Ask A Mexican: June 16

DEAR MEXICAN: I’m a white girl dating a Mexican from Jalisco who works for my dad. There lies the problem. Dad absolutely dislikes him and totally opposes me dating Ignacio and has been almost rude to him, which I don’t like.

Some details now: I often visit Dad at his office and in one of those I met Ignacio, deepest dark eyes that I’ve ever seen … we flirted a little, exchanged phone numbers and that was for that day. Me and the guy hit it off almost from the beginning, so I feel it was totally natural to start dating him, even if he lives in a not-so-nice place and we have different backgrounds. Of course, Dad gave me a whole speech that night at home, that I should not be talking to people I don’t know, that what I was thinking, etc. And when we started dating a few days later, he got mad, refused to drive me to the mall and so on.

A few days later, we dated again, and we kissed and started our relationship, and my father started to behave like a drama queen, saying he was disappointed, that he thought he raised a good, decent girl and such things. I had no option but call him a racist and sore loser, which I’m sorry now to have said.

Dad lectures me about me not worrying “about my future” and that I’m “losing it over a beaner,” makes a scene many times when I’m going out with Ignacio and calls my cellphone often to “check out what I’m doing.” He justifies his behavior because I’m his only daughter and says he wants the “best for me” (read: date a white guy).

The fact is that I like my boyfriend a lot and don’t see why I need to break up with him just to please my father. It gets complicated because Ignacio says one day he’s gonna lose patience and answer back my Dad or worse. What can I do to handle Dad’s dramas? And to have him accept my relationship with Ignacio?

— Una Confused Gringa

Dear Gabacha: So Nacho is good enough to work for your papi, but not good enough for his daughter? Typical gabacho exploiter … I would flaunt the relationship in front of your dad. Change your name to Xochitl. Blast mariachi in your home. Make your tortillas by hand — better yet, start eating nopales. Totally freak out your dad!

But at the same time, be a responsible chica — you didn’t specify your age, but given your reference to getting driven to the mall and still living at home, I’ll assume you’re in high school. So stay away from sex — but if you do, make sure to use birth control, because Mexican sperm is potent.

Keep up your grades. Show Dad that your life won’t worsen if a Mexi is your man, and that he’s pendejo for even thinking about it. And remind him that frowning on interracial relationships is so Jim Crow era and to get with the programa.

Spainards White?

Why do you frijoleros (being myself of Iberian descent — if you can use gabacho you’ve gotta let me use this) assume that white people don’t speak Spanish? You would not believe the crap I hear almost every day! We spoke Spanish when the Mexica were still ripping out the hearts of their neighbors.

— El Cid Soy

Dear Gachupín: A Spaniard who thinks he’s white? HA! You gachupines are as gabacho as Mexicans are infertile.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK

Latino Health Access (LHA) is a pioneering nonprofit based in Orange County, Calif., that has earned national acclaim for its promotora program in which it trains community members how to teach healthy living habits in the city’s low-income neighborhoods. Last week, the Board of Supervisors declined to agree to a contract with them? LHA’s sin? Using “Latino” in its name — PENDEJO FAIL. Check out the group at latinohealthaccess.org, and tell the world the Mexican’s American homeland is run by a bola of pendejos — but the world knew that, of course.

Ask A Mexican: June 2

DEAR MEXICAN: I’m new to the San Antonio area and am enjoying exploring the many wonderful aspects of its history and culture. One thing has become incredibly bothersome to me, though: the plight of pet overpopulation.

With so many resources that are available for spay/neuter assistance, I’m not certain as to why this continues to be a problem. I have been told that Hispanic men fear that the surgical procedure of neutering is an emasculating process. It is not.

Perhaps one way of explaining this is if my husband found that he had testicular cancer and the only way for him to survive was to remove his testicles, he would have this done to save his life, and he would still be very much a man. Pardon me for being crude, but balls do NOT define a man or a man’s dog. Spaying/neutering saves lives and makes for a healthier pet.

— On Behalf of Those Without a Voice

Dear Gabacha: I completely agree, and it’s very appropriate you write from San Antonio, formerly the dog- and cat-euthanizing capital of the United States, according to a 2006 San Antonio Express-News story.

A 2010 Express-News story also offers an explanation for Mexicans’ reticence to tinker with their pets’ private parts, courtesy of America’s favorite Mexican (and former illegal immigrant), César Millán. “Being a Latino myself, I know that many times we learn at an early age that neutering or spaying a dog changes their state of mind,” the Dog Whisperer told the Express-News while doing promotion for spay/neutering awareness among local Mexis. “All my pack is spayed or neutered, and it doesn’t change anything. It actually enhances their ability to be social with other dogs. It decreases frustration. Marking (urinating to claim territory), which is a big problem a lot of time for people, goes out of the behavior for dogs. So it’s a lot of great things I want to share.”

The Mexican will only add it’s not a machismo thing, that pet overpopulation is common in all poor communities, and that the only social pathology Mexicans suffer from that comes directly from our culture and not other factors (class, geography, religion, etc.) is our irrational devotion to our perpetually underachieving Mexican soccer team.

The Underdog

Why did practically everybody’s Mexican great-grandfather ride with Pancho Villa? And also knows where he buried his treasure?

— My Abuelito Rode with Zapata, Too

Dear Wab: Same reason some gabachos say their great-great grandmother was a Cherokee princess, and all Southerners claim their Confederate ancestors fought for state rights (help me with the proper term to describe this phenomenon besides “delusional,” historiadores).

People love to identify with the romantic underdog, even if it stretches all logic of their own family tree. No Mexican would ever dare admit that their ancestors were hacendados — admitting your abuelitos opposed Villa and Zapata and left Mexico because they were members of the upper class is one of the douche-iest things a Mexican can do and is as rare as a Mexican neighborhood without cars parked on the lawn.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK

All you Mexis who, this week, will become the first in your family to graduate from high school, receive your bachelor’s degree or earn a master’s or doctorate — congratulations! Ustedes are intellectual chinga tu madres to the Know Nothings who say education doesn’t matter to Mexicans. All this said, there ain’t enough of us achieving our accomplishments, so remember to tutor, mentor and give back to your community — otherwise, our Reconquista is for naught.

Ask A Mexican: May 12

DEAR MEXICAN: I can’t help thinking of Mexico as a Tea Party paradise. Mexican taxes are very low. There are few regulations, and environmentalists, socialists and liberals are few and far between.

There is no Obamacare, and Mexico is the home of Carlos Slim, the world’s richest man, a tribute to Mexican crony capitalism. Apparently, carrying guns and using them is no problem, regardless of the laws, and there is that priceless opportunity of shooting a “bad” guy.

Certainly, Mexico would benefit from an infusion of our Tea Party “patriots”! Perhaps Mexico could send a delegation of some of the babes from Estrella TV to a Tea Party convention to convince the Tea Party that Mexico is its true home?

— Pan Blanco de Rio Rancho

DEAR MEXICAN: Why is it that right-wing Republicans are trying their damned hardest to turn America into Mexico when they press for laws that make the rich richer, remove regulations and turn out the poor onto the streets to fend for themselves and die? They are jealous of the wealthy Mexican oligarchs that run that country with no concern for the poor. They would love it if they could torture anyone who disagreed with them, asked to spend their taxes on lazy, unemployed folks or any other “socialism,” all in the name of Jesus Christ.

— Koch Blocker

Dear Gabachos: Dual Tea Party-esque interpretations of Mexico — LOVE IT. Both legit, by the way. Pan: Damn straight. Mexico is a libertarian paradise, and portions of the country are government-free, ruled by those who have bullets and money. Koch: Damn straight the GOP establishment wants to turn the U.S. into Mexico at its worst, a Darwinian wasteland where money rules above all and the government governs solely for the rich.

The missing analysis for both of you, however, are the Mexicans themselves: we belong to the Tequila Party.

Mexicans And English

DEAR MEXICAN: I’m Mexican and very proud of it! I came to the United States 20 years ago, and the first thing besides getting a job and working very hard was enrolling in GED classes.

One of the things that makes me mad is that some people in the same situation as mine don’t want to learn English and get better opportunities. Are they huevones or what?

I got my education in Mexico, and I also went to college here. I am sick and tired of the stereotypes people gives to Mexicans: that we are all cholos and cochinos. I love my culture but la neta, some people de a tiro la chingab…bno quieren progresar.

¡Qué se pongan en acción! Learn English! It’s better to be bilingual que nada. ¡Apantallen a los gringos que nada más saben un idioma!

— Baja’s Chick

Dear Chica: I agree 100 porciento, but don’t be so harsh on your paisanos. Immigrants throughout this nation’s history have learned English, but not all of them, and always to their detriment — and they know this.

A 2007 Pew Hispanic Center report found 71 percent of Mexican immigrants surveyed reported they spoke little to no English, the largest proportion of all Latino groups in this country. Sounds like a bola of dummies, but they ain’t. A 2006 Pew study found 96 percent of Latino immigrants felt it was important to teach English to their children, a ratio even higher than what gabachos felt.

Even more telling, only 2 percent of those immigrants felt it wasn’t important for their niños to learn inglés; meanwhile, a disturbing 27 percent of non-Latinos think Mexi kids don’t have to learn the language, the better to keep raza down.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK

You want to join activist circles, angry Mexicans? Look no further than Presente.org, a group probably most famous for getting that pendejo Lou Dobbs (remember him?) off CNN. More info at — where else? — presente.org.

Ask A Mexican: April 14

DEAR MEXICAN: I grant you a magic wand; now, tell me how do we right the wrongs of Sam Houston and Manifest Destiny? Is it to correct his legacy and call out the crimes and recognize the victims? Or should the land be given back? What is it, my fellow American?

— U.S Citizen

Dear Gabacho: A chicken in every olla and a gabacha in every bedroom — KIDDING.

The United States stealing Aztlán remains a grievous wound with Mexicans, but it’s not as huge an issue for run-of-the-mill Mexis as Know Nothings or Aztlanistas want you to believe. Sure, we take pleasure in seeing the American Southwest revert back to Mexico demographically, but we acknowledge it as God’s karmic humor (kind of like seeing Brits eating curry or a black man in the White House) instead of studied revanchism.

The theft of our territory remains more a kick to the huevos than outright castration. It stunted Mexico’s growth and still aches but didn’t condemn us to Guatemala levels.

All this said, I think a full accounting of Mexican-American relations during the era of Manifest Destiny in the history books would placate most Aztlanistas. The Mexican would also love it if the American government offered restitution to the many Tejanos, Californios and New Mexican Hispanos that had their family properties stolen outright by rapacious settlers and the courts (just talk to the Berreyesas of northern California, who had many of the males in their clan murdered with no prosecution of their gabacho killers).

As for returning the conquered territories back to Mexico? There’s a reason us Mexicans left Mexico, you know.

Mexicans And Museums

DEAR MEXICAN: I was born in Ciudad Juarez and moved to the northern Virginia-Washington, D.C.-area when I was really young. I grew up going to museums and I love it.

Came back to the Juarez-El Paso area. I have two kids, and I love taking them to museums, plays, art galleries — anything art-related. My question is: How come some, if not most, Mexicans are not into going to museums, galleries, plays, opera — you know, stuff like that?

I’ve met educated, uneducated, rich and poor Mexicans, and they all seem to not like those kinds of things. I’ve gotten reactions from fellow Mexis who see my kids getting excited about going to an art gallery or a museum as a treat for something. If you have an answer, for my mental sanity please let me know.

Yes, we’re nerds — whatever — but I feel it’s necessary for kids, my Mexican kids, to know about galleries and museums, among other things. What do you think?

— Loca for Lichtenstein

Dear Nerdy Wabette: The American Associations of Museums cited in its 2010 study, “Demographic Transformation and the Future of Museums” a National Endowment for the Arts’ Survey of Public Participation in the Arts that figured only 8.6 percent of visitors to galleries were “Hispanic” and only 14.5 percent of “Hispanics” were regular patrons of the arts. It doesn’t really offer an explanation for the low numbers, other than mumbling about “historic discrimination” and also noting that higher education and income levels accounts for higher museum participation across all races and ethnicities.
I’d lean toward the latter explicación, but it’s not a full answer: I know more than a few working-class Mexis who know their Riveras and Duchamps, just like I know “Hispanics” who couldn’t tell you the difference between a Picaso and a Pica Limón wrapper.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK!

Speaking of museums and Mexicans, an obvious pick: the National Museum of Mexican Art, located in Chicago’s Pilsen barrio and telltale proof Mexis won’t ignore the arts if they have ready access to them. It’s not all about high-falutin’ arte, either: they help sponsor Radio Arte, the nation’s finest experiment in youth-produced, NPR-quality radio reports on Latino USA. Find out more at www.nationalmuseumofmexicanart.org.