Ask A Mexican: July 7

Dear Readers: Ever since the Mexican national soccer team thrashed the American side, 4-2, in last month’s Gold Cup final, Know Nothings have railed about how Mexis in the U.S. root for El Tri against the norteamericanos. They’ve invaded the Mexican’s mailbox with preguntas sobre fútbol, so rather than answer them, I’ll just reprint my two favorite soccer questions from the past — no need to reinvent the quesadilla, you know?

Question 1

DEAR MEXICAN: Why do Mexican soccer fans chant “Osama! Osama!” when their side plays the United States? You don’t hear American soccer fans yell, “¡La migra!”
— White Boy Dash

Dear Gabacho: You think hurling bin Laden’s name is tasteless? How about the Daily Mail columnist who, on the day England faced West Germany in the 1966 FIFA World Cup final, wrote, “West Germany may beat us at our national sport today, but that would be only fair. We beat them twice at theirs.”? Or the hooligans who greeted Jewish fans during a Lazio-AS Roma Italian league match with a banner that read, “Auschwitz is your town, the ovens are your houses”?
This is soccer we’re talking about, not Wimbledon. Offensive jeers are part of the game, and anyone who can’t take the heat should leave la cocina. Jingoism is the main reason fútbol is the world’s most popular sport and a global Two Minutes Hate: Countries and regions can spill their aggression toward one another out on the pitch and in the stands instead of on the battlefield.
That’s why Mexicans love to trash the United States when the two countries play. Ustedes exploit us, humiliate us, dominate us in every socioeconomic category, even beat us in soccer — the United States has finally become Mexico’s worthy adversary instead of perpetual whipping boy. So instead of wielding knives, our best revenge is the clever insult, the well-timed chinga tu madre whistle, and the beer poured upon Landon Donovan as he triumphantly exits the stadium. All the great soccer-playing nations draw rabidly nationalistic fans, and the United States will remain a third-rate country until Americans cry “Tacos!” next time Mexico’s squad invades el Norte.

Question 2

DEAR MEXICAN: Why do the Mexicans HATE American soccer?
— Uncle Sam’s Army Brat

Dear Gabacho: Because Mexicans hate Americans — DUH! Geez, this is the literary equivalent of taking a penalty kick with no goaltender — but I also want to plug “Gringos At the Gate,” an upcoming documentary answering this very question with game footage and interviews with Mexican and American fútbol fanatics, former soccer stars and your humble scribe.
I gave your question un cabezazo over to director Pablo Miralles, who delivered a bicycle kick of an answer (OK, OK, a yellow card for me for too many bad soccer metaphors). “On the first part: The average American doesn’t give a shit about fútbol, so how can they be as good or even better than us Mexicans, who are the most passionate and loyal fans?” Miralles asked the Mexican.
“As for Donovan, Mexicans will say that the hatred comes from when, in 2004, he pissed on the field of the sacred Estadio Jalisco, home of the revered Chivas de Guadalajara. But the truth, I believe, is that when he won the Golden Boot at the 1999 Under-17 World Cup (being the first player from this part of the world to win such an honor) and later the Best Young Player at the 2002 World Cup, the realization for Mexican fans set in that, for the first time, the best player on the field when the United States played Mexico was NOT a Mexican. It’s one thing to be beat by a bunch of overeducated, hard-working, physical brutos, but the talent, the technical skill, the style — these are the attributes of El Tri. So how can it be this güero is winning these awards, think Mexican fans? Unacceptable!”
Pablo, your answer was a GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK: El Tri — DUH! ¡Viva México, cabrones!

Ask A Mexican: June 16

DEAR MEXICAN: I’m a white girl dating a Mexican from Jalisco who works for my dad. There lies the problem. Dad absolutely dislikes him and totally opposes me dating Ignacio and has been almost rude to him, which I don’t like.

Some details now: I often visit Dad at his office and in one of those I met Ignacio, deepest dark eyes that I’ve ever seen … we flirted a little, exchanged phone numbers and that was for that day. Me and the guy hit it off almost from the beginning, so I feel it was totally natural to start dating him, even if he lives in a not-so-nice place and we have different backgrounds. Of course, Dad gave me a whole speech that night at home, that I should not be talking to people I don’t know, that what I was thinking, etc. And when we started dating a few days later, he got mad, refused to drive me to the mall and so on.

A few days later, we dated again, and we kissed and started our relationship, and my father started to behave like a drama queen, saying he was disappointed, that he thought he raised a good, decent girl and such things. I had no option but call him a racist and sore loser, which I’m sorry now to have said.

Dad lectures me about me not worrying “about my future” and that I’m “losing it over a beaner,” makes a scene many times when I’m going out with Ignacio and calls my cellphone often to “check out what I’m doing.” He justifies his behavior because I’m his only daughter and says he wants the “best for me” (read: date a white guy).

The fact is that I like my boyfriend a lot and don’t see why I need to break up with him just to please my father. It gets complicated because Ignacio says one day he’s gonna lose patience and answer back my Dad or worse. What can I do to handle Dad’s dramas? And to have him accept my relationship with Ignacio?

— Una Confused Gringa

Dear Gabacha: So Nacho is good enough to work for your papi, but not good enough for his daughter? Typical gabacho exploiter … I would flaunt the relationship in front of your dad. Change your name to Xochitl. Blast mariachi in your home. Make your tortillas by hand — better yet, start eating nopales. Totally freak out your dad!

But at the same time, be a responsible chica — you didn’t specify your age, but given your reference to getting driven to the mall and still living at home, I’ll assume you’re in high school. So stay away from sex — but if you do, make sure to use birth control, because Mexican sperm is potent.

Keep up your grades. Show Dad that your life won’t worsen if a Mexi is your man, and that he’s pendejo for even thinking about it. And remind him that frowning on interracial relationships is so Jim Crow era and to get with the programa.

Spainards White?

Why do you frijoleros (being myself of Iberian descent — if you can use gabacho you’ve gotta let me use this) assume that white people don’t speak Spanish? You would not believe the crap I hear almost every day! We spoke Spanish when the Mexica were still ripping out the hearts of their neighbors.

— El Cid Soy

Dear Gachupín: A Spaniard who thinks he’s white? HA! You gachupines are as gabacho as Mexicans are infertile.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK

Latino Health Access (LHA) is a pioneering nonprofit based in Orange County, Calif., that has earned national acclaim for its promotora program in which it trains community members how to teach healthy living habits in the city’s low-income neighborhoods. Last week, the Board of Supervisors declined to agree to a contract with them? LHA’s sin? Using “Latino” in its name — PENDEJO FAIL. Check out the group at latinohealthaccess.org, and tell the world the Mexican’s American homeland is run by a bola of pendejos — but the world knew that, of course.

Ask A Mexican: June 2

DEAR MEXICAN: I’m new to the San Antonio area and am enjoying exploring the many wonderful aspects of its history and culture. One thing has become incredibly bothersome to me, though: the plight of pet overpopulation.

With so many resources that are available for spay/neuter assistance, I’m not certain as to why this continues to be a problem. I have been told that Hispanic men fear that the surgical procedure of neutering is an emasculating process. It is not.

Perhaps one way of explaining this is if my husband found that he had testicular cancer and the only way for him to survive was to remove his testicles, he would have this done to save his life, and he would still be very much a man. Pardon me for being crude, but balls do NOT define a man or a man’s dog. Spaying/neutering saves lives and makes for a healthier pet.

— On Behalf of Those Without a Voice

Dear Gabacha: I completely agree, and it’s very appropriate you write from San Antonio, formerly the dog- and cat-euthanizing capital of the United States, according to a 2006 San Antonio Express-News story.

A 2010 Express-News story also offers an explanation for Mexicans’ reticence to tinker with their pets’ private parts, courtesy of America’s favorite Mexican (and former illegal immigrant), César Millán. “Being a Latino myself, I know that many times we learn at an early age that neutering or spaying a dog changes their state of mind,” the Dog Whisperer told the Express-News while doing promotion for spay/neutering awareness among local Mexis. “All my pack is spayed or neutered, and it doesn’t change anything. It actually enhances their ability to be social with other dogs. It decreases frustration. Marking (urinating to claim territory), which is a big problem a lot of time for people, goes out of the behavior for dogs. So it’s a lot of great things I want to share.”

The Mexican will only add it’s not a machismo thing, that pet overpopulation is common in all poor communities, and that the only social pathology Mexicans suffer from that comes directly from our culture and not other factors (class, geography, religion, etc.) is our irrational devotion to our perpetually underachieving Mexican soccer team.

The Underdog

Why did practically everybody’s Mexican great-grandfather ride with Pancho Villa? And also knows where he buried his treasure?

— My Abuelito Rode with Zapata, Too

Dear Wab: Same reason some gabachos say their great-great grandmother was a Cherokee princess, and all Southerners claim their Confederate ancestors fought for state rights (help me with the proper term to describe this phenomenon besides “delusional,” historiadores).

People love to identify with the romantic underdog, even if it stretches all logic of their own family tree. No Mexican would ever dare admit that their ancestors were hacendados — admitting your abuelitos opposed Villa and Zapata and left Mexico because they were members of the upper class is one of the douche-iest things a Mexican can do and is as rare as a Mexican neighborhood without cars parked on the lawn.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK

All you Mexis who, this week, will become the first in your family to graduate from high school, receive your bachelor’s degree or earn a master’s or doctorate — congratulations! Ustedes are intellectual chinga tu madres to the Know Nothings who say education doesn’t matter to Mexicans. All this said, there ain’t enough of us achieving our accomplishments, so remember to tutor, mentor and give back to your community — otherwise, our Reconquista is for naught.