A photo of me as a child. Yep, we raised pigs.

I grew up with the land.
With the earth.
With nature.

During the winter, we visited my grandparents in Harrison. My brother and I climbed towers of hay that were stacked to the rafters of the barn, while my grandfather would load the back of the pickup. We took his work gloves, oversized and stained with grease, to protect our hands from the prickly straw. We looked for cracks in the bales, and we would jump. Fearless then, armed with a flashlight and grandpa’s gloves, we took turns exploring those tunnels inside the hay, finding only the occasional spider or cobweb.

In the spring, the honeysuckles bloomed; and my brother, sister and I would drink our fill of nectar. It seemed then an endless supply, an entire wall of honeysuckle blossoms that we passed on our way to the woods.

I remember searching for stones at the bottom of a creek that ran off the Buffalo River. The water was clear and cold, so different from the muddy, murky water of the Arkansas River where I grew up.

There, in the Arkansas River delta, the soil was rich. After the rain, it looked almost black. In the summer days, the humidity and mosquitoes filled the air, but during the nights, the sky would flicker with fireflies, and we chased them and captured them with mason jars.
We always let them go.

We had respect for wild things.

Sometimes, when I was very young, I would sit and watch the ants and spiders and grasshoppers travel through the grass. It was a peaceful time in my life.

Last week, when I visited the Makedo farm in Hartford, I was reminded of my country girl roots. For many years, I have tried to shed the stigma of the South — my accent, my vocabulary, my education — all of the changes I’ve made in my life, have been made in hopes of one day “making it” in a city like New York or San Francisco.

But my roots are still here.

In this land.

In this earth.

Jack and Mary White did not simply lose their farm. It was taken from them.

Their situation has left me wondering if other people in the state feel the same way I do. I wonder if we still belong to The Natural State, where land means more than money.

Where the earth still gives us life.

And joy.

And promise.

Jack and Mary White could have been my grandparents, or your parents. They could have been you. Their land has recovered, and they are able to survive, but they have the right to do more than survive. They have a right to pursue happiness and prosperity. They have a right to do more than just “make do,” especially because they are ready and willing to work for it.

Hydraulic fracturing needs to be regulated in the state of Arkansas. The state environmental protection agencies need the resources to enforce such legislation. The goal is not to hamper industry, but to protect our most precious resources.

There will come a time when there is no natural gas left, when the oil and gas companies will move on. Will our land be in the same condition it is now? Will the Natural State still hold its intrinsic value? It is our job to ask these questions. It is our job to demand answers.
I understand very well that you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. I also understand that you can’t get greedy and use all your eggs to make omelets. Eventually, you have to raise a couple of chicks. You have to replenish your resources. You have to tend to your flock.

The modern process of hydraulic fracturing is still new, which means there has been little time to standardize and regulate the methods for safety. As Joanna Pollock explained in her article “Fracking: What’s at Stake?” in last week’s issue — attempts to research and regulate hydraulic fracking have been compromised by industry influence.

Industry influence can be seen on a national level in 2005 reports that the original EPA study included staff of Halliburton, a company that manufactures fracking fluid. The EPA also received pressure from an energy task force, led by Halliburton’s CEO, who was, coincidentally, Vice President of the United States.

The result of Mr. Cheney’s task force?

Hydraulic fracturing was exempted from the Clean Water Act.

In response to this ruling, the natural gas industry exploded across the nation.

Two months ago, fracking received national attention when the EPA reported a connection between hydraulic fracturing and a contaminated aquifer in Wyoming. The findings could spark a national regulation, but not without controversy and not without a fight from the oil and gas industries.

With no federal regulation, the weight of protecting public interest falls on the state. It is the responsibility of Arkansas lawmakers to hold the industry accountable and to execute a long-term vision for the state’s economic and environmental welfare.

Last year, when proposing legislation that would help regulate the industry, lobbyists from the natural gas industry outnumbered concerned citizens. In addition to lobbyists, stands the Arkansas General Assembly Shale Caucus.

The caucus is comprised of 16 legislators whose goal is to “protect the economic well-being of the Fayetteville shale drilling from what they fear is potentially damaging legislation,” according to an article written on Arkansas Online.

You can visit them on Facebook, where you will find comments such as these:
“We appreciate the public input and comments, and we hope that some folks from the fracking industry will comment, too! We believe in keeping this discussion FAIR AND BALANCED! Lol” — May 31, 2011

Fair and balanced? I am not laughing at that concept, especially when BHP Billiton just leased over 400,000 acres of land and spent billions of dollars to begin fracking in Arkansas. BHP has a less than reputable environmental and human rights record in developing countries. Will they treat Arkansas like a third world country? More importantly, will our legislatures allow them to do so?

“Drill, baby, drill! That fracking sound you’re hearing is the sound of MONEY and JOBS!” — May 29, 2011

The roaring noise of mining wells has driven people from their homes. Yes, it may be the sound of money and jobs, but with Australian/British BHP on the scene, the major industry player isn’t an Arkansas company. It’s not even a domestic company. So how much money is actually going into the Arkansas economy?

I leave you with this final question, which you can answer for yourself on the Arkansas General Assembly Shale Caucus Facebook page: “Do you agree that the gas ‘fracking’ industry is too heavily regulated in Arkansas?”

No. Fracking is going to destroy water supplies and the environment.
Yes, the Tree Huggers are destroying America!

Visit http://www.facebook.com/shale.caucus to share your opinion with these legislators. Or write to bjackson@nwaonline.com to submit a letter to the editor.

To the Editor:
You rightly point out how polarizing political mythology is alienating Americans. Between the Right Wing and the Left Wing there no longer seems to be any chicken in the middle.

However those definitions you’ve found of “liberal” and “conservative” themselves reflect prevailing mythology and distort the whole issue. Your “Liberal” is defined almost entirely as depending on the government, while your “Conservative” is all about individual freedom. But these words have quite different meanings in the dictionary — and in history and current events.
For instance, “Liberalism” is defined online as “a political or social philosophy advocating the freedom of the individual, parliamentary systems of government, nonviolent modification of political, social, or economic institutions to assure unrestricted development in all spheres of human endeavor, and governmental guarantees of individual rights.” The ACLU, defenders of Net Neutrality, and those protesting corporate personhood would seem to fit this definition.
Likewise, “Conservatism” has historically meant something quite different from your “empowerment of the individual.” Online definitions include: “A political philosophy or attitude emphasizing respect for traditional institutions, distrust of government activism, and opposition to sudden change in the established order.”

American Conservatism is composed of several competing ideologies. Economic conservatives and libertarians favor limited government and few regulations, low taxes, and free enterprise. Social conservatives support traditional social values and would often impose them by law. Paleoconservatives oppose multiculturalism and want restrictions on immigration. Neoconservatives want to expand American influence in the world, and they strongly support Israel. The current Republican primary campaign reflects some of these conflicting concerns.
Also, “Left,” “Liberal” and “Democratic Party” are not equivalent terms, and neither are “Right,” “Conservative” and “Republican Party.” I am not just quibbling about words — ideology has made our whole political landscape absurd and surreal. You can’t talk intelligently about something if you don’t even know what your words mean.

For instance, “personal responsibility” sure sounds good — who would be against it? But what does it mean in the real world? Privatizing Social Security so janitors and waitresses can play the stock market? Or “free enterprise” — just how does that work in an economic system where many industries are shared monopolies that keep out any competition? As you suggest, let’s have fewer glittering generalities, less ideology, and more of plain old American citizenship.

Coralie Koonce
Author of “Swimming in a Sea of Ideology”

(AP Photo/Carlo Allegri): Paula Deen, American cook and TV personality, recently announced that she has type 2 Diabetes.

Earlier this month, Paula disclosed that she’s had Type 2 diabetes for three years. Three years of peddling food that is loaded with fat and sugar. Three years of stuffing her face with Twinkie® pie and bread pudding made with Krispy Kreme® donuts. I’m not making up those desserts, either. She has the recipe for both of them on her website, pauladeen.com. The pie involves layering pineapple, sugar, vanilla pudding, whipped cream and bananas over Twinkies®. And just in case the two dozen donuts in the bread pudding don’t make it sweet enough, it also has a pound of powdered sugar, a can of sweetened condensed milk, a box of raisins and two cans of fruit cocktail. You might as well just grab a straw and a bowl of sugar and start sucking. Paula has the nerve to claim that her cooking is just like grandma’s. My grandma sure as hell never made anything with Twinkies® in it, and would have slapped anyone who suggested she should.

But, Paula isn’t just thumbing her nose at diabetes with the continued abuse of her body; she’s now a spokesperson for Victoza, a diabetes medicine manufactured by Novo Nordisk. I looked up Victoza and at the top of the page is a bright yellow warning box about the drug possibly causing thyroid cancer. Wouldn’t it be healthier to control your diabetes with your diet? It would appear that the only reason Paula came out of the diabetes closet now is because of her endorsement deal with big pharm. The Paula Deen brand is greasy, sugary, fattening food, and it’s not difficult to imagine her wanting to hide her diabetes in order to keep her brand alive. But, now with a drug endorsement, she can maintain her butter empire all while getting paid for taking a diabetes drug. In her defense, Paula has stated that she is walking more and she’s cut back on her sweet tea. Well, praise Jesus and pass the fried cheesecake y’all! Paula’s done turned it around!

She should be embarrassed that she’s making millions of dollars by making such unhealthy food. Instead, she is actually proud of the fact that she makes such crappy food. I think it’s revolting that she sold out to big pharm. Her greed is obvious, and is just as nauseating as most of her recipes. That doesn’t mean I’m glad she has diabetes. But the way she’s handling it won’t garner any sympathy from me, and I have zero respect for her.

But, is Paula Deen responsible for causing people to eat fat and sugar-laden food, and contributing to our nation’s obesity rate? Is it her fault that people watch her show and want to eat the vile food she makes? I think it’s safe to say that in a world without her show, and what a magical world it would be, there would be fewer people eating bread pudding made with donuts. However, it’s ultimately our responsibility as individuals to be smart enough to not slop unwholesome food into our cakeholes. We need to take care of our bodies. Just say no to a steady diet of sugar and lard. It’s not that difficult to eat healthy food. An easy rule to follow is to ask yourself if Paula would eat it. If the answer is yes, there’s a damn good chance it’s not good for you. Bon Appétit, y’all!

Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer, artist and semiprofessional cat wrangler. Feel free to drop her a note at rabirdsell@gmail.com.

Think to yourself: what route would you ride to get from the Fayetteville High School to Gulley Park on East Township?

If a clear route that connects the trails, avoids the hills, and uses side streets to keep you out of traffic doesn’t immediately come to mind, the prospect of riding can be a little intimidating. That’s a problem.

Bentonville, our neighbor to the north, already has a working system of bicycle routes that makes it easy to travel to and from key locations.

They have the Blue Route, the Pink Route, and Red Route, and half a dozen other named routes with signs that any person on a bicycle can follow.

The directions to get from a South Bentonville neighborhood to Crystal Bridges go something like this: “Get on the Teal Route, then follow the signs to the Orange Route and then to the Crystal Bridges Trail.” Seems simple enough, right?

Now, I don’t think Bentonville is doing a particularly good job of making these routes safe or comfortable; there aren’t even bike lanes. Yet at least the routes are clear, something cyclists appreciate even if casual riders still feel unsafe in the traffic. When this idea is done well, the routes are called “bicycle boulevards” or “neighborhood greenways,” and they supplement a trail system by incorporating signs, bike lanes, protected street crossings, landscaping, and other features that make the routes comfortable, safe, and clear.

Until getting to and from a trail is safe enough, comfortable enough, and clear enough for a family with elementary- and toddler-age children, most people will still elect to drive. Building greenways costs less per mile than building trails, and construction takes less time; so why aren’t greenways a part of Fayetteville’s plan?

Do greenways have a place in Fayetteville's future? Tell us on www.facebook.com/freekly.

It’s a chicken-and-the-egg question, with part of the answer being that we needed to build a “backbone” to our trail system before building greenways made sense. Now that we have that backbone, it’s time to start building greenways and connecting our neighborhoods to the trails. Trail development shouldn’t stop, but our strategy to encourage bicycle adoption should be amended to remove the burden of route planning from individuals and families. Until then, casual riders will stay in their cars.

President Obama — ‘The Fresh Prez’
Oh, Obama! It seems that you often forget where you are — and that people are listening to you; which is a bad combination when you are addressing a group of people. It’s an even worse when you represent the entire U.S., but it’s OK, that foreign policy question can wait until after you’re done with your waffle. By the way, if you’re the only candidate fighting for the middle class, you better give your waitress a healthy tip. She’s gonna need it.

GEOGRAPHY
“When I meet with world leaders, what’s striking — whether it’s in Europe or here in Asia…” — mistakenly referring to Hawaii as Asia while holding a press conference outside Honolulu, Nov. 16, 2011

“I’m here with the Girardo family here in St. Louis.” — speaking via satellite to the Democratic National Convention, while in Kansas City, Mo., Aug. 25, 2008

“I’ve now been in 57 states — I think one left to go.” — at a campaign event in Beaverton, Ore.

INSERT FOOT
“No, no. I have been practicing — I bowled a 129. It’s like … it was like Special Olympics, or something.” — making an offhand joke during “The Tonight Show” March 19, 2009 (Obama later called the head of the Special Olympics to apologize.)

“I didn’t want to get into a Nancy Reagan thing about doing any seances.” — After saying he had spoken with all the living presidents as he prepared to take office, Washington, D.C., Nov. 7, 2008 (Obama later called Nancy Reagan to apologize. Allegedly, Nancy Reagan consulted with an astrologist when creating her husband’s schedule, but there are no reports of the former first lady conducting séances.)

“Why can’t I just eat my waffle?” — Obama’s response to being asked a foreign policy question by a reporter while visiting a diner in Pennsylvania

MIXED MESSAGES

“Iran, Cuba, Venezuela. These countries are tiny compared to the Soviet Union. They don’t pose a serious threat to us. (An hour later) Iran is a great threat. It has an illicit nuclear program. It supports terrorism across the region and militias in Iraq.”

“First time I saw 10th Mountain Division, you guys were in southern Iraq. When I went back to visit Afghanistan, you guys were the first ones there. I had the great honor of seeing some of you because a comrade of yours, Jared Monti, was the first person who I was able to award the Medal of Honor to who actually came back and wasn’t receiving it posthumously.” — Unfortunately, Jared Monti received his medal posthumously.

GAFFES
“Everybody knows that it makes now sense, that you send a kid to the emergency room, for a treatable illness like asthma. They end up taking up a hospital bed, when if you just give him treatment early, and they got some treatment, and … uh … a breathalyzer … or an inhalator, not a breathalyzer.” — Live CNN coverage in Bristol, VA

“In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died — an entire town destroyed.” — on a Kansas tornado that killed 12 people

Joe ‘Schmoe’ Biden
We get the impression that you’re not really qualified to hold office, Joe. You have a potty mouth and you admitted that Hillary Clinton is better than you.  Don’t you know that politics is all about a healthy public image? Since when are people with Indian accents the only ones allowed into 7-11s or Dunkin’ Donuts? Seriously, Joe. What does that even mean?

PUT A NICKEL IN THE SWEAR JAR!
“This is a big fucking deal!” — Joe Biden, caught on an open mic congratulating President Barack Obama during the health care signing ceremony, Washington, D.C., March 23, 2010

“An hour late, oh give me a fucking break.” — Joe Biden, caught on a live mic speaking to a former Senate colleague after arriving on Amtrak at Union Station in Washington, D.C., March 13, 2009

HISTORY
“When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, ‘Look, here’s what happened.” — Joe Biden during an interview with Katie Couric, Sept. 22, 2008

ON HILLARY
“Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me.” — Joe Biden, speaking at a town hall meeting in Nashua, N.H., Sept. 10, 2008

ETHNIC GROUPS
“You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent … I’m not joking.” — Joe Biden, in a private remark to an Indian-American man caught on C-SPAN, June 2006.

Burris is the campaign manager of Democratic candidate Ken Aden, who is running against Steve Womack in the upcoming November election for the Congressional seat of the third district. The Third Congressional District has been a Republican region since 1966, and the political climate doesn’t appear to be changing anytime soon.

Though Ken Aden may not be making waves big enough to change the political climate of the entire district, it seems that his candidacy or opinions have become the target of at least one person’s outrage.

There is no doubt that the national media is delighted with this juicy tidbit, and I imagine most Americans are crinkling their noses at the graphic image of the dead cat and thanking their lucky stars that they don’t live in Arkansas — where your pet could be murdered as a political statement.

It’s the scaled-down hillbilly version of the scene in “The Godfather” where Jack Woltz awakens to find the head of his prized horse in his bed. Only in Arkansas, it’s a five-year-old boy who finds his cat dead on his doorstep, and it’s real life.

Real life.

It may be hard for you to imagine if you live out of state, or even if you’re reading this story for the first time and haven’t seen the pictures or read quotes from Jake Burris. It’s a bizarre, disturbing story; and when you and I move on to next week’s issue, Burris and his family will still be searching for the person who killed their cat. This twisted incident will stay in their lives forever, as part of their history, because they chose to stand behind something and were labeled for it.

But since when has “liberal” become a negative term? For that matter, when did “conservative” take on negative connotations?

Among Free Weekly readers, there was some discussion about how to label the killing of the Burris family cat. Vandalism, animal cruelty, hate crime and terrorism were terms that floated around the comment section.

In 2008, Jim Adkisson opened fire on a Unitarian congregation in Knoxville, Tenn., killing two people and injuring eight. In a letter, Adkisson referenced his disapproval of the church’s liberal views and support  of homosexual lifestyles as a motivating factor of the attack. The incident raised the question, “Is targeting someone based on his political beliefs considered a hate crime?”

As of right now, America’s answer is no.

When we think of right-wing or left-wing terrorism, both sides of the spectrum imagine different villains in the shadows, pulling the ropes and instigating paranoia and distributing propaganda.

I found a simple chart, outlining liberal and conservative views on social matters on studentnewsdaily.com.

We all want the same things in life. We want freedom; we want the chance for prosperity; we want as few people suffering as possible; we want healthy children; we want to have crime-free streets. The argument is how to achieve them…
LIBERALS — believe in government action to achieve equal opportunity and equality for all.  It is the duty of the government to alleviate social ills and to protect civil liberties and individual and human rights.  Believe the role of the government should be to guarantee that no one is in need. Liberal policies generally emphasize the need for the government to solve problems.   
CONSERVATIVES — believe in personal responsibility, limited government, free markets, individual liberty, traditional American values and a strong national defense. Believe the role of government should be to provide people the freedom necessary to pursue their own goals. Conservative policies generally emphasize empowerment of the individual to solve problems.
NOTE: The terms “left” and “right” define opposite ends of the political spectrum. In the United States, liberals are referred to as the left or left-wing and conservatives are referred to as the right or right-wing. On the U.S. political map, blue represents the Democratic Party (which generally upholds liberal principles) and red represents the Republican party (which generally upholds conservative principles).

In addition to the definition of “liberals” and “conservatives,” let me draw your attention to the “Note” section of the diagram where you will find that the polarization of American values has shaped itself into partisan labels as well.

There is no longer a largely accepted “moderate” stance. By today’s definition, shared values do not generally exist between liberals and conservatives, and by default, are nontransferable between Democrats and Republicans.

However, if you take the time to read the Student News Daily website’s complete analysis of liberal and conservative social values, you will probably find that you straddle the line between the two on some issues, or even that you take the stance of “your opponent.”

Strictly polar definitions are alienating Americans from one another by portraying the opposing group as extreme. When, at the very peak of crisis, change is demanded, representatives offer two vastly different opinions that prompt resentment and outrage, not against both parties for being ineffective, but against the enemy party and the citizens who support them.

America’s problem is not the definition of party politics, or even the difference between conservative and liberal, but it is instead the definition of what it means to be American. Upholding a democratic government takes constant tending, as it is ever evolving to accommodate changes in culture and society; but we must also be consistent in our values.

I think The Pledge of Allegiance says it best, “One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”
Hey, it’s a start.
RIP Gato.

This week’s column is part two of my tirade about the love-hate relationship I have with the Internet. Last week I griped about commenters; today I’m going to have a piss party about my pet Internet peeves. That’s a plethora of P’s.

On one hand (the large hand), I’d love for the Internet to be a community of civility and rationalism where perfect grammar reigns supreme, rather like a staid Englishman whose very accent instills a sense of propriety. On the small hand, I enjoy the wild, crazy sensationalism that is the Internet … in tiny doses. Unfortunately, the small hand has somehow overtaken the large hand, and it’s beating the holy hell out of it.
I’m probably preaching to the choir, since TFW readers are amazingly intelligent, but I still feel the need to get this off my chest. I’m sure you’ll indulge me, or you’ll just flip or scroll to the next page.

Here, in no particular order, are my top Internet pet peeves (or at least the ones I can squeeze into 750 words):

1. Misspelled words. Mourning sex is the best sex! There’s no excuse for you to misspell words. I don’t care if you’re a poor speller. I don’t care if you dropped out of school at the age of 14 so you could realize your dream of selling crack door-to-door. Spell check is everywhere. Use it. Use it like a $2 whore on dollar night unless you want there to be some doubt as to how much you like to get it on at funerals.

2. Using words incorrectly: I’d rather be punched in the nuts then kiss Donald Trump. See? It really does matter.

3. The inability to use entire words: That skirt is totes adorbz! It looks so presh on you! It would just look awk on me! I don’t know why speaking this way requires the use of so many exclamation points, but it does, which makes me want to slap the user — both for using such horrible language and for being so insufferably perky.

4. Damn lies. The reason you wear a ring on your third finger is because it’s the only finger with a vein to the heart. Lies are the herpes of the Internet. They’re everywhere, but nobody wants to admit they spread them. If you find yourself saying, “No effin’ way” after reading a particular item, research and find out if it’s factual before you infect the rest of the Internet with it.

5. Being indecisive as to what case you want to use. I aM a SuPeR, sPaRkLy, sPeCiAl PrInCeSs! It took me five minutes to type that. I don’t know how people do this. Do you have a special keyboard that allows you to tYpE lIKe ThIs? Also, what’s the appeal in tYpInG lIKe tHis? Is it some special code I don’t know about? Are you trying to look drunk?

6. Abusing periods. Shut.the.front.door. It makes it seem like you’re having a lot of trouble breathing, and I’m left wondering if I should bring you an inhaler.

7. Stop making up names to use as insults, e.g. Libtard, Repuglican, Faux News, Newt Gingrich. This is seen most in arguments involving politics or religion. It’s juvenile and undermines any valid point you may be making. Wait, Newt is his real name? Color me embarrassed.

8. Using a language that isn’t a language. lol lawd dey way 2 old 4 all dat! Dey makin foolz demsefs dun dat sheit lolz! I have no idea what I just typed. Are there made-up interpreters for made up languages?

9. Don’t be so literal. I literally sneezed twice, and then literally wiped my nose. While not technically improper, because those events actually occurred as stated, it is unnecessary and is literally way overused.

10. Refusing to let a catchphrase die. I just threw up in my mouth a little. You know how to tell if a certain phrase is over? When your grandma starts using it.

And this brings us to the end of my diatribe. Thank you for the indulgence. I feel so much better for getting that out of my system. If you have a pet peeve about the Internet, let me know in the comments (on the online version, of course) or via email. That is, as long as you’re not breaking one of the above rules.

Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer, artist and semiprofessional cat wrangler. Feel free to drop her a note at rabirdsell@gmail.com

This is the first in a two-part series of my love-hate relationship with the Internet.
I have been a user of the Internet since 1996.  Saying that I love it would be an understatement.  Take away my Internet and I would most certainly panic, cry and possibly need a hypodermic filled with something that will make everything all warm and fuzzy.  I’ve made good (and sometimes bad) use of the web since that magical day in ‘96 when I first heard the lovely scratchy siren call of dial up.

Now I spend a lot of my time online reading various news sites and blogs. Invariably, no matter how interesting the article or post is, the comments are more entertaining. I find myself reading page after page of comments, enthralled by what my fellow humans have to say on a given subject. If what we as individuals say, is a direct reflection of what we are as a whole, then we’re in trouble, America, because as individuals we can be a bunch of brainless a-holes.

Courtesy Photo: President Barack Obama fist-bumps custodian Lawrence Lipscomb in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building following the opening session of the White House Forum on Jobs and Economic Growth, Dec. 3, 2009. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

Recently, this 2009 photograph of President Obama giving a fist bump to a member of the White House’s cleaning crew flashed across my Facebook feed. The comments made on the photo were pretty reflective of the craziness of our fellow Internetians. As I read through the comments, I realized  the comments from normal people were outnumbered by the comments left by the aforementioned a-holes.

Here’s an imaginary comment panel about this photo that parodies the usual suspects found in the comment section, complete with grammatical atrocities. I’m sure you’ll recognize a commenter or two.

The Not News Guy: Why is this even being posted? It’s not news. Why aren’t you writing about the plight of the white-winged, pileated, scowling barn heron?

The Photo Expert: It’s obvious that they ‘shopped the janitor in. I can tell by the pixels.  I should know; my uncle’s a photographer.

The Drama Student: It’s not Photoshopped, but it is staged.  They’re all staged.

The Only Sane Person: I think it’s a great pic of our Commander in Chief. It’s a spontaneous image of a cool moment.

Rabid Republican: Why is this a big deal? President Bush fist-bumped a lot of people when he was in office and it didn’t make the news. You dems are idiots.

The Only Sane Person: I think you mean that Bush fisted a lot of people when he was in office.

Conspiracy Theorist: This wasn’t “just” a fist bump. It was a “secret fist bump” that symbolizes the impending “alliance” between the “Muslim Brotherhood” and the “Mexican” cartel.

The Only Sane Person: Why are so many of your words in quotation marks?

Conspiracy Theorist: It’s so “they” won’t be able to “track” my “Internet” activity.

Pessimist #1: The President shouldn’t be fist bumping the help. How undignified.

Pessimist #2: If Obama really cared, he would have hugged the guy. Is he afraid to get his fancy suit dirty?

The Only Sane Person: So, no matter what Obama does, he can’t win, can he?

Racist: this is what happens when you put a black guy in the white house theres a reason its called the WHITE house THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!!!!

The Sane Guy: The Civil War was over a long time ago, dude. Get over it.

Religious Freak: This is what happens when you take prayer out of school and teach EVILution.

The Sane Guy: WTF? What does any of that have to do with this photo?

PC Militant: You are all cretins. The man is a custodial engineer, not a janitor.

The Guy Stuck in 1999: Any of you ladies wanna private chat? A/S/L me.

Armchair  Immigration Agent: He’s an illegal immigrant … and the janitor probably is, too. Kick ‘em both out of OUR AMERICA.

Rabid Republican: LMAO! Good one.

The Only Sane Person: You do realize that the President is a US citizen and we’re here because our ancestors stole land from the Native Americans, right?

Rabid Republican: We didn’t steal no land. We bought it from them. Besides I’m a quarter Cherokee and your still a idiot.

Ron Paul Supporter: Ron Paul will never fist bump a janitor, because when he becomes President, there won’t be any janitors at the White House. He’ll do it all himself. RON PAUL 2012!!!!!

Homophobe: This is the President who said it was okay for gays to be in the military. What’s next? People marrying their ceiling fan?

The Only Sane Person: I give up.

Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer, artist and semiprofessional cat wrangler. Feel free to drop her a note at rabirdsell@gmail.com.

As the drama-filled GOP Primaries launch into a full-fledged, bloodthirsty competition, candidates are firing snarky com-ments at one another left and right. The Free Weekly went straight to the source of this ammunition — that’s right, the horse’s mouth. The saying that “You are you’re own worst enemy” rings true in the political sphere where public statement is documented and monitored just as closely as public policy.

Mitt ‘Flip Flop’ Romney — The Vacillator

If you don’t like Mitt Romney’s stance on a particular issue, just wait a few minutes and he’ll change it!

Climate Change

“And so I think it’s important for us to reduce our emissions of pollutants and greenhouse gases that may well be significant contributors to the climate change and the global warming that you’re seeing.”

A few months later:

“My view is that we don’t know what’s causing climate change on this planet. And the idea of spending trillions and trillions of dollars to try to reduce CO2 emissions is not the right course for us.”
Health Care

“Well that’s what we did in Massachusetts. And that is we put together an exchange, and the President’s copying that idea. I’m glad to hear that.”

Of course, he’s changed his mind.

“Obamacare is bad news and if I’m President of the United States I will repeal it.”

Immigration

“I don’t think I’ve ever hired an illegal in my life.”

Two minutes later…

“We hired a lawn company to mow our lawn and they had illegals who were working there.”

Then Mitt unabashedly stated, “I’m not going to change my positions by virtue of being in a presidential campaign.”

He’s either a liar of epic proportions or he’s extremely delusional.

Rick ‘Little Bush’ Perry — The Huckster

Rick reminds me of another certain half-wit from Texas, and we all know what he did to our country. I don’t think Rick can count to potato any faster than Bush could.

The American Revolution

“It was actually the reason that we fought the revolution in the 16th century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown if you will.”

“George W. Bush did a incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom.”

“Oops.”

On the Marines who urinated on Afghan corpses

“Obviously, 18-, 19-year-olds make stupid mistakes all too often. What’s really disturbing to me is just, kind of, the over-the-top-rhetoric from this administration and their disdain for the military.”

Rick ‘Ol’ Frothy-Santorum — The Voyeur

Rick Santorum is obsessed with sex, and is particularly fixated on butt sex of the gay kind.

“One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It’s not OK. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. [Sex] is supposed to be within marriage. It’s supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal … but also procreative. That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen … . This is special and it needs to be seen as special.”

“When you look at someone to determine whether they’d be the right person for public office, look at who they lay down with at night and what they believe in.”

“In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality.”

“[I have] a problem with homosexual acts, as I would with what I would consider to be acts outside of traditional heterosexual relationships … if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery.”

Ron ‘Uncle Nutter’ Paul — The Mad Hatter

“The Founding Fathers envisioned a robustly Christian yet religiously tolerant America, with churches serving as vital institutions that would eclipse the state in importance.”

“There is no consensus in the scientific community that global warming is getting worse or that it is manmade.”

“I will veto any spending bill that contains funding for Planned Parenthood, facilities that perform abortion and all government family planning schemes.”

“It would help the poor people who need jobs. Minimum wage is a mandate. We’re against mandates so why should we have it? It would be very beneficial.”

“I don’t really believe “gun-free” zones make any difference. If they did, why would the worst shootings consistently happen in gun-free zones such as schools?”

Newt ‘Whitey’ Gingrich — The Xenophobe

“I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [his grandchildren are] my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.”

“We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto.”

“I will go to the NAACP convention and tell the African-American community why they should demand paychecks instead of food stamps.”

“We should have English as the official language of government and we should have a method for distinguishing between people who have lived here a long time and people who have come very recently.”

Jon ‘Token’ Huntsman — The Outsider

I guess at some point, the Republicans felt they needed at least one somewhat intelligent candidate to throw in the ring with the mouth breathers.

“I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy.”

“I believe in traditional marriage first and foremost. I’ve been married 28 years, with seven terrific kids. But I also believe in civil unions, because I think this nation can do a better job when it comes to equality.”

And Jon succinctly summed up the entire Republican primary race:

“This is exactly what is wrong with politics. It’s show business over substance.”

Huntsman officially withdrew from the race on Jan. 16 and has since given his endorsement to Romney.

After spending a few hours with the Amtgard LARPing (live action role playing) team in Fayetteville, I began to see the appeal in dressing up like a warrior (or ninja assassin or elf) and whacking each other with weapons fashioned from PVC pipe and foam pool noodles. Who wouldn’t want to unleash her inner child and inner badass simultaneously?

LARPing is not my first experience with RPGs (role-playing games). I have played most of the Final Fantasy series, and I was recently introduced to the hugely entertaining (and challenging) Elder Scrolls games.

When I was young, my grandparents worked in a small grocery store in Harrison, and I would sit, cross-legged on the floor, reading X-Men and Spider-Man comics. I remember sitting in the backroom of the store, reading an article about “Star Wars.” This was before access to the Internet, back in 1995 when magazines played a vital role in the cultural and social developments of pre-adolescents. I learned behind-the-scenes facts about the Huttese language and Anthony Daniels, who played the uptight yet loyal robot C3PO. (As much as I would like to be a Princess Leia or a Han Solo, I always secretly felt C3PO was the character I most resembled.)

I am not a “Star Wars” fanatic. I’ve never been to a convention, and even though I owned the newer movies, they were thrown in a drawer and watched only a few times. Cheerleading, boys and plans for college took center stage. Still, I’m nerdy enough to know what a Padawan braid is, and I know the pivotal scene of the first trilogy is when the escape pods are launched (in “Episode IV”) with the droids inside, and the storm trooper says those fateful words, “Hold your fire. There are no life forms aboard.”

To me, all of this is common knowledge, but I was shocked to discover a few months ago my own sister had never seen “Star Wars.” How was it possible? It is a mystery indeed. Long story short, I forced her to watch “Episode IV.” At the end, she said, “Why would they blow up that weapon? They should have boarded the Death Star, taken it over and used the weapon to secure the galaxy.”

“You’re on the Dark Side,” was my reply.

Nerds have traditionally been considered overly intellectual, socially inept people who are often obsessed with alternative hobbies (alternative to sports) and who cherish fantasy worlds in which they can play a noble (or villainous) role in a quest.
Paper and dice games, trading cards, RPGs, science and fantasy fiction, comic books — I’ve done it all, at least once. The real appeal, in all of my great nerdom, is all of these activities can be traced back to a more innocent time. The stories of the “Star Wars” trilogy, “The Hobbit” (1977 animated movie as well as the book) and “The Chronicles of Narnia” — all melded together to establish principles in my child mind that eventually blossomed into full-fledged values that, in the face of reality, often border upon idealism.

In my youth, I learned lessons from Jedi knights, Hobbits, wizards and even a talking lion (not the lame one from the “Wizard of Oz”). We journeyed together, in a time when my mind was innocent. I learned that Good inevitably triumphs over Evil, but in the end, all those who succumb to Evil or “The Dark Side” are human; and the tragedy of life is in Good’s failure to save these victims of evil.

I was one noble, pain-in-the-ass sixth-grader.

“Star Wars,” “Lord of the Rings,” “Batman,” “Superman” and “The Chronicles of Narnia” have all been rebooted in the new millennium. Cinematography has introduced the cherished stories of my childhood to mainstream audiences, and though some may be bitter to see their favorites made accessible to the masses, it’s something for which I am grateful. The stigma of enjoying “The Lord of the Rings” has lessened significantly now that the major motion pictures are stamped with 17 Oscars-worth of Hollywood approval. I cannot attest to having read the trilogy — there is a great deal of Elven language, poetry and tedious battle scenes. “The Return of the King” was my brick wall in the marathon of J.R.R. Tolkein, but it’s on my bucket list to complete the trilogy.

There is some distinction between nerds and geeks, but to outsiders, members of the group are interchangeable. The geeks (science, math and computer nerds) are getting an especially sweet break. Thanks to the wonderful World Wide Web (ahem, thanks to other geeks), programmers and tech-geeks are in high-demand. With money comes power and influence, and from computers to televisions and game consoles, and from our social media outlets and our mobile phones, the geeks are paving the road of the future.

It is a sweet time to be a geek. Or a nerd.

Or just to be yourself.

I’m going to stretch out on a limb here and speak on behalf of all nerds: The great thing about being a nerd, about being intellectually astute yet socially naive, is we tend to accept people for who they are in all their idiosyncrasies. We believe in a world in which elves and dwarves (even Siths and Jedis!) can find common ground. That coming together, whether in trials that form camaraderie or the end of a battlefield of regret, is the drama of the human experience.
Sure, it’s a worldview fashioned on a fantastic hyperbole of metaphor, but it makes for one hell of a story.
Check out “2012: Cinematic Nerd Odyssey” on page 6.