Unfortunately, personal disasters like getting dumped get none of the funding and attention of natural disasters.
If only giving you a hand financially worked like giving medicine to a dog, then your boyfriend could just grind up some money and sneak it into your food.
A lot of people use Facebook to announce their accomplishments: “I became CEO of the company!” “I got into Juilliard!” And then there’s your friend: “We had sex without birth control, and look at what happened!”
It’s Jesus’ birthday, but seeing as you guys aren’t that close, you figured he wouldn’t mind if you skipped it.
It’s normal to keep some personal information secret from the person you’re dating – like your exact income or the fact that you belt out Lynyrd Skynyrd in the car every day on your way to work.
You need to establish a new house rule: “Residents and their guests can experience only one climate at a time.”
I like to offer “Don’t have sex!” as a form of practical advice — usually just as I’m getting into my flying car.
You lost your girlfriend and were thinking, “At least I have my job.” Then you lost your job and were thinking, “At least I have my confidence.” Whatever happens, don’t say, “At least I have my penis.”
Nobody wants to be the one to tell a guy that his attempted sexy-man scruff is a ringer for a Hobbit’s feet or plant life struggling up after a nuclear winter.
Desperation is always so sexy — like Abraham Lincoln in a lime-green mankini.