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Savings And Alone

Candlelight all over your apartment is really romantic — unless you’re using it because they’ve cut your power off again.

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Get Off My Yawn!

So, you just want the security of marriage with all the excitement of dating somebody new — which is kind of like wanting a latex hood and ball gag that are also a comfy old pair of slippers.

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Flee Willy

There are two ways to solve this problem. One is to say, “Hey, I’d really like you to stay the night.” The other is to hide his shoes and keys.

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Meme Streets

Sending a mass email is a great way to get some piece of information out to everybody — from your best friend to 1.4 million people on Twitter to three random drunk dudes who really shouldn’t be on their phones at their boss’ funeral in Estonia.

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Sleeping Booty

There are some wonderful committed relationships that started off with “I want to spend the rest of my boner with you!”

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Rump for Joy

Welcome to the science-inspired catcall: “Woooo, girl…you look like a nuclear physicist in them hot pants!”

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Present Tense

Unfortunately, you can’t just tell her that your relationship was “a gift from God.” So was the plague of locusts.

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Do No Harem

A man can love you to pieces and count his blessings every day you two are together — and it won’t stop him from wanting to see your sister bend over.

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Belittle Richard

If public humiliation were the key to proper pronunciation and correct word use, the hot new show on Bravo would be “The Real Housewives of the Oxford English Dictionary.”

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Mothership Of Fools

Strange how nobody ever manages to shoot video when there’s an alien spaceship in the vicinity — perhaps because they’re too busy recording that guy, two traffic lanes over, who’s picking his nose.