Try to think of this as artisanal dating. Maybe he’s finished building the bed out of antique Popsicle sticks but his carpal tunnel kicked in while he was killing the flock of ducks for the mattress or spinning the cotton for the sheets.
I’m a 20-year-old woman, and for three months last year, I dated a 21-year-old guy. Suddenly, out of the blue, he stopped returning my calls.
Welcome to the decline of civilization playing out in a single garment. If a grown man who wears one of these things says something like “Let me slip into something more comfortable,” you’ve got to think, “What, the womb?”
Okay then. You’ll just be having a nice big scoop of “What Comes Around Goes Around.” Cup or cone? Nuts? Sprinkles?
Sex can be a form of peacekeeping, since your girlfriend can’t be screaming that you loaded the dishwasher wrong if she’s screaming, “OHGOD!OHGOD!OHGOD!”
You’ve got a bad case of the “coulda shouldas,” which, in psychology, is called “counterfactual thinking,” as in thinking “counter” to the actual “facts” of what happened.
There are a number of reasons women fake orgasms, like that the guy is taking FOREVER.
There are times you may want to tell a woman to calm down, like when you lack live electrical wire to chew on or are curious as to how the nurses would react if you walked into the ER with your head under your arm.
There’s nothing like that thrill of finally getting a text on some Saturday night — and then realizing it’s just your grandma playing with her new iPhone.
Stopping her would be easier if you two were guys: “I don’t like the way you’re talking about my boobs, Marjorie. Let’s take this outside.”