It’s Jesus’ birthday, but seeing as you guys aren’t that close, you figured he wouldn’t mind if you skipped it.
It’s normal to keep some personal information secret from the person you’re dating – like your exact income or the fact that you belt out Lynyrd Skynyrd in the car every day on your way to work.
You need to establish a new house rule: “Residents and their guests can experience only one climate at a time.”
I like to offer “Don’t have sex!” as a form of practical advice — usually just as I’m getting into my flying car.
You lost your girlfriend and were thinking, “At least I have my job.” Then you lost your job and were thinking, “At least I have my confidence.” Whatever happens, don’t say, “At least I have my penis.”
Nobody wants to be the one to tell a guy that his attempted sexy-man scruff is a ringer for a Hobbit’s feet or plant life struggling up after a nuclear winter.
Desperation is always so sexy — like Abraham Lincoln in a lime-green mankini.
In touch football, you’re only supposed to put a hand or two on another player — as opposed to, oh, tearing out his soul with your bare hands, grinding it into a fine powder, and sprinkling it on your cornflakes.
No wife, no job, probably no car, and no house — it’s like there’s a country song sleeping on your couch.
When you say to your girlfriend “So, what are your thoughts on the Middle East?” you’d rather she didn’t respond, “Like, you mean, Philadelphia?”