Your boyfriend’s just lucky nobody’s suspected he’s lying about what he’s read and tried to trip him up — maybe with “It’s like Heathcliff wandering the moors searching for Cathy after she was abducted by aliens!” or “What a relief when Romeo rushed Juliet to the hospital and they pumped her stomach!”
If you aren’t European or a hipster married to another hipster, it’s a little dismaying when your husband’s new ride looks like it came in a pink package marked “Barbie doll sold separately.”
On the success-in-crime scale, this is like getting picked up by the cops for bank robbery — because the bank manager spotted you making off with that pen on a chain.
There are times when directness is best. Like if you’re an air traffic controller. What’s important is not that you make the pilot feel supported in his life goals but that he brings the plane to a stop on the runway instead of in some lady’s pool.
If only giving you a hand financially worked like giving medicine to a dog, then your boyfriend could just grind up some money and sneak it into your food.
A lot of people use Facebook to announce their accomplishments: “I became CEO of the company!” “I got into Juilliard!” And then there’s your friend: “We had sex without birth control, and look at what happened!”
It’s Jesus’ birthday, but seeing as you guys aren’t that close, you figured he wouldn’t mind if you skipped it.
You need to establish a new house rule: “Residents and their guests can experience only one climate at a time.”
I like to offer “Don’t have sex!” as a form of practical advice — usually just as I’m getting into my flying car.
You lost your girlfriend and were thinking, “At least I have my job.” Then you lost your job and were thinking, “At least I have my confidence.” Whatever happens, don’t say, “At least I have my penis.”