As expected, there are plenty of people across the state who are all a-froth at the idea that recently two consenting adults of the same sex were able to obtain a marriage license, and horror of horrors, make vows to love each other for the rest of their lives. Oh the humanity!
I’ve given up trying to figure out why some people are so against homosexuality. They claim it’s against their religion or against nature, but when pushed with other “sins” against their religion that they don’t seem to care about, or when it’s pointed out that homosexuality is found throughout nature, they don’t have much else to say on the matter. They’re homophobic, but don’t get all crazy-eyed about it.
And then there are the rabid homophobes. These are the people who are always screaming the loudest about how being gay is an abomination. In fact, a lot of times they’re so vehemently against homosexuality that it literally makes them gay or something like that.
So, in honor of these mouthbreathers, I’ve decided to dedicate this week’s column to all the homophobes out there who are going cuckoo nutterfpuffs over the idea that the state of Arkansas now has more same-sex couples who are married than they did before. I’ve compiled a short list of people who were also once very outspoken against anything gay, but turned out to be not quite as anti-gay as they would have liked us to believe. So, without further pomp, here is my list of the Five Gayest Anti-Gay People in the United States Who Were So Anti-Gay They Were Actually Gay. Trust me, that title isn’t nearly as confusing as they are.
1. Ted Haggard – He’s my favorite former homophobe, and he’s still trying desperately to convince us he’s formerly gay. Disgraced, but not downtrodden, Ted was a pastor of a Colorado Springs megachurch when he was exposed as being gay when his favorite male hooker/meth dealer let the cat out of the bag, or the hotdog out of the bun, or the cucumber out of the salad. I think you get my point.
2. George Rekers – Pastor and hater of all things gay, George authored a paper “Growing Up Straight: What Families Should Know About Homosexuality,” and he should know, because he was caught in a scandal in which he hired a strapping, young man from rentboy.com. George claimed that he only hired Lucien to “lift his luggage” which is now one of the most awesomely horrible pickup lines ever spoken.
3. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig – Finding love the only place he could, the former Idaho Republican senator will forever live in infamy as the dude who was tapping toes in the airport bathroom. Of course, the toe tapping only happened when he wasn’t trying to pass anti-gay legislation.
4.Robert Allen – Not to let Larry be the only Lavatory Lothario, the former Republican State Representative from Florida was busted after he solicited an undercover police officer, and it wasn’t a solicitation for anything to do with the family values he was always harping about.
5. Marcus Bachmann – Okay, he hasn’t been involved in a scandal, yet, but c’mon. If he doesn’t end up being the spicy sauce in the middle of a big, ol’ juicy manwich scandal, I will…well, I honestly can’t think of anything, because I’m 100% positive he is 100% gay.
So, hats off to all of you outspoken homophobes. With a little luck, you’ll be joining the League of Formerly Anti-Gay Super Gay Men. Here’s to many years filled with luggage lifting, toe tapping and wide, wide stances.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org