By Amy Alkon
My boyfriend of two years has always disparaged gentlemen’s clubs. I truly believed him until he visited his family and I searched Google Maps on his computer for something in his hometown. The text box predicted “strip clubs” there. I confronted him, and looking to prove me wrong, he showed me his “places” history. Various searches for strip clubs showed up. (I don’t think he understood that Google keeps track of that stuff.) He claimed he didn’t do these searches and suggested that his brother or someone who borrowed his computer did. We have sex regularly, and he is loving and treats me very well, so I put aside his lying and gave him another chance. I should say that I understand men’s interest in these clubs; I just don’t feel it’s right for guys in relationships to go because of the possibility of cheating happening. I think that the fact that he may go to these places doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that he’s lying about it.
A woman wants to believe a man when he claims he hates those nasty “gentlemen’s clubs.” Yeah, the last thing any man wants to see is a totally hot 21-year-old with enormous breasts doing upside-down splits on a pole.
Not only did your boyfriend pre-lie, laying out the above bed of lies like lettuce on a cottage cheese plate, but he followed up with the obvious honker that it had to be somebody else searching for nudie bars on his computer. Yes, it was probably Granny, who, like many women her age, loves to go to strip clubs and make it rain Social Security checks.
As for why he lied, consider that there’s a notion that men are pigs — simply for being men. Men evolved to be highly visual and variety-driven in their sexual desire. Male sexuality isn’t wrong; it’s just different. But men are so used to being under attack for what turns them on that many default to denying it. They keep mum to avoid conflict in their relationships, in part because they think they could never explain male desire in a way that wouldn’t make a woman’s head fly off and chase them around the room.
The truth is, we all lie, all day long, and often think nothing of it. If you cram your muffin-top into Spanx or put goop on your eyebags, you’re lying about what you really look like. And frankly, if people could read our thoughts, most of us wouldn’t make it to lunchtime without a co-worker’s bludgeoning us with a stapler.
Still, fantasizing and cheating are two different things. Sure, some guys who go to strip clubs are looking to get some on the side, but a guy can do that at the office or the corner bar without breaking out a wad of Benjamins.
Another woman may turn your man’s head (or make it swivel like a turbo lazy Susan), but that doesn’t mean she turns his ethics, too. If you have reason to believe your boyfriend is a good guy, driven by ethical standards instead of what he can get away with, chances are he’s just looking at strippers from time to time instead of looking to get some strange. Relationships are built on trust, but they’re also built on white lies about who we really are and having the wisdom to look the other way at stuff that doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things. You and your boyfriend have heat in the bedroom, and he is loving and treats you well. Sounds like he’s happy.
(c)2013, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon