By Rachel Birdsell
So, about this Ted Cruz fella’? I haven’t figured out his game other than he’s the male version of Sarah Palin, minus the glasses and annoying wink. Where did he come from? I know he’s from Canada and somehow meandered down to Texas, but who voted for him? Personally, I’m not sure he should be voted in as secretary of the neighborhood bridge club, much less a Senator. Seriously, Texans, if you don’t want people to think your state is a 24/7 carnival of idiocy, you’re going to have to stop voting for people like this. I realize that there are many Texans who are simply lovely people and are mortified by Ted and his kind that slither through their state. I think these people need to either educate their fellow Texans or let the air out of their tires on Election Day.
For you tea partiers, that last bit was a joke.
Given, Ted doesn’t seem to be from upstanding or even fully upright stock. His father recently spoke to the mind trust that is the tea part of Hood County, Texas, and stated that we are a Christian nation and insisted that the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution “were signed on the knees of the framers.” Earlier this year, Daddy Cruz encouraged another crowd to send President Obama back to Kenya.
I know you shouldn’t judge children based on their parents’ actions, but in this case, I’m pretty sure the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree. Ted’s father regularly speaks to groups on Ted’s behalf and sallies forth on the campaign trail with junior.
Here’s what I know about Ted Cruz: he was the puppet in the shutdown debacle, he’s from Canada, he hates Obamacare, he sucks at filibustering and had the audacity to bring one of my favorite books, Green Eggs and Ham into it. He’s pissed off some fellow Republicans, he failed to disclose his finanacial relationship with a Caribbean-based holding company which included him forgetting about a $75,000 promissory note that was owed to him. Sorry, Ted, but if someone owed me that much money, I’d remember it. The fact that you don’t remember, or that you’re lying about it, makes you a crappy servant of the people. The scariest thing about Cruz, though, is that he thinks he hears God’s voice in his head. Literally. The voice of his chosen deity in his head. And not one person in his close circle is encouraging him to seek psychological help. Somehow, hearing the voice of God in your head is a deep spiritual relationship until that voice tells you to drown your children like another Texan did. Oh, Texas. You’re funny.
But, don’t think I only have negative things to say about Ted. There’s actually one thing that I simply adore about him, and that is that he’s the best darn campaigner the 2014 Democratic hopefuls have.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.