By Rachel Birdsell
As most of you know, we now have the first Indian-American Miss America. Nina Davuluri, Miss New York, snagged the title in what I can only say is an archaic parade of tits and ass. Some claim that it has to do with intelligence, too. After all, we aren’t supposed to admit that women parading about in bikinis and being judged has anything to do with tits and ass. We have to pretend that it’s really about the women being able to yodel the national anthem while sewing an American flag, and then answering a question such as “If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?” Or maybe that’s just when Harry Caray was a guest judge. It’s been awhile since I’ve watched a pageant.
The entire redneck section of Twitter watching the T&A parade absolutely exploded when Nina was crowned. There was a collective aspiration of tobacco juice and the sound of camouflage ball caps hitting the floor across the country the instant her name was announced. It seems that there are some Americans that believe that if you look like you might possibly have come from the Middle East or even visited the Middle East a lot, you are an Arab Muslim, card carrying member of Al-Qaeda and you hate America and wish all true Americans would die or at least be horribly maimed. Also, there’s no way you’re really an American. Americans are white. Well, some are black and while the rednecks may hate them, they still begrudgingly admit that since the white man is the reason the black man is here, black people are Americans. The only exception to this rule is our president and we all know he’s an African Muslim.
Whew! Learning to be a racist is harder than I thought, but I think I have it figured out. If you have brown skin and look Hispanic, you’re an illegal immigrant and you’re stealing American jobs. If you have brown skin and you look like you’re from the Middle East, you are a Muslim, you hate America, and you’re stealing American jobs. If you look like you’ve rolled around in a giant vat of Cheetos®, you’re an American that doesn’t know when to stop tanning.
I hate to break it to the rednecks, but if they really want to get mad over people that don’t belong in this country, they’re going to have to ask another group of brown-skinned people whose ancestors were here well before us white folk. Instead of getting pissed about what color Miss America’s skin is, we should all be pissed that there are still pageants where women are being judged on their looks. And if you’re rolling your eyes and saying that pageants aren’t about the woman’s looks, I defy you to find me just one butt ugly Miss America contestant. Just one. Homelier than homely. U-G-L-Y. Ugly.
That’s what I thought.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a line at firstname.lastname@example.org