Commentary

Fear And Loathing And Lathering

Posted by tbaker |

“Ol’ Ricky always reminds me of my favorite verse from the Bible, ‘And the Lord looked down on Santorum and said to just about anyone who would listen, ‘What a moron’….That’s a paraphrase.”

By Rachel Birdsell

Rick Santorum filled the airwaves recently with a profound statement, and by “profound,” I mean idiotic. It seems that because we dastardly liberals think a woman has a right to choose whether or not she wants to abort her fetus, it makes it uncomfortable for men to shower together at the YMCA. Let me repeat that, pro-choice = awkward YMCA showers. Who knew?

Ol’ Ricky always reminds me of my favorite verse from the Bible, “And the Lord looked down on Santorum and said to just about anyone who would listen, ‘What a moron.’ Then yea verily, the Lord did smack his head on his large, godly desk multiple times.”

That’s a paraphrase.

I’ve tried to follow Rick’s logic that by some of the population being pro-choice it equates to dudes being weird about showering together at the Y, and since I’ve never been in the men’s shower room at the Y, save for that one time that I don’t want to talk about, it’s difficult to figure out why Rick came to the conclusion he did. Maybe there’s a lot of pro-choice vs. anti-choice bickering going on in the showers at the Y. I can see how fighting about abortion while you’re naked and trying to wash your dirty bits could be a little strange. Or maybe there are televisions in the Y showers that show actual abortions. I guess that might be weird, too. But, I think the real reason Rick is awkward in the shower and the YMCA is because he needs to come out of the closet. And he’s an idiot.

Why else would Rick be uncomfortable around all those naked, soaped up hard bodies at the Y unless he was trying desperately not to notice all those naked, soaped up, hard bodies around him? And the previous venom that he’s spat at the LGBT community makes him a little suspect, as well. Usually the most ardent haters of anyone even wondering if they’re gay, are found doing a little toe tap routine in the bathroom of an airport.

So, Rick, rather than spouting idiocies, no matter how well-versed you are in such things, just come out of the closet. While you’re jumping out, grab Marcus Bachmann by the hand and drag his marvelous self out, too. Then you can both be free to never be awkward in the men’s shower again. And the Lord looked down and said, “Praise be that these idiots finally realize that being gay is perfectly natural.”

And they all lived happily ever after.

Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a line at rabirdsell@gmail.com

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