“While it pains me to tell you of all the horrible things that will happen when Mercury is in bitch mode, I feel it’s my duty. You might want to sit down for this…”
By Rachel Birdsell
Has your life been going to hell in the past few weeks? If so, it’s all Mercury’s fault. I don’t mean the liquid element that we ignorantly played with as kids when thermometers broke, but rather the tiny planet closest to our sun. But, don’t mistake Mercury’s diminutive size for a lack of power. According to astrologers, when Mercury is in retrograde, she is one bad mama jama. Mercury in retrograde is similar to Popeye eating his spinach, if his spinach was nuclear waste spinach sprinkled with Hulk powder, topped with a dollop of Tiger steroids and stirred with Thor’s hammer. Mercury can and will completely jack you up.
While it pains me to tell you of all the horrible things that will happen when Mercury is in bitch mode, I feel it’s my duty. You might want to sit down for this. When Mercury is in retrograde every electronic device you own will die along with your dog, cat, goldfish, ferret and hamster. Should you attempt to leave the house, you will be late no matter where you’re going, that is, if you even make it to your destination. Mercury loves car wrecks. Complete strangers will poke you in the eye while pointing out the giant zit on your chin that appeared during your commute to work. Your house will become nesting grounds for rattlesnake-riding scorpions and Legos, both of which you’ll step on in the middle of the night. And just when you think you can’t take any more, Mercury will unleash her fury and you’ll be horribly maimed by paper cuts.
As if trying to dodge the wrath of Mercury isn’t bad enough, you also have to make sure you avoid certain things at all costs while she’s on her rampage. Things like making major decisions, having important conversations, starting any new endeavors and eating cheeses that begin with the letters B, H, P or T. I don’t know what the consequences of attempting any of these things are, but I’m sure they are uncomfortable at the very least. It would probably be better for people who are affected by Mercury to just stay in bed while she’s in retrograde.
Thankfully, I have some kind of super power that protects me from Mercury because for me the past few weeks have been great. It’s possible that unbeknownst to me, at the time of my birth, my parents anointed me with the blood of a virgin wombat and I am now like kryptonite to Mercury. Or maybe I’m ruled by the planet Venus and Venus can kick Mercury’s ass. I think the more logical, but totally less dramatic, reason is that unless Mercury is hurtling directly towards the earth or something equally catastrophic, it’s not going to have any effect on us. Then again, I wrote this while Mercury was in retrograde so I could just be talking out of my Uranus.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a line at firstname.lastname@example.org