“We, the women of the United States and the men who aren’t frightened by what we carry twixt our legs, do hereby declare that we are completely, 100 percent fed up with you trying to legislate a woman’s lady bits.”
By Rachel Birdsell
Okay, Republicans, enough is enough. We, the women of the United States and the men who aren’t frightened by what we carry twixt our legs, do hereby declare that we are completely, 100 percent fed up with you trying to legislate a woman’s lady bits. And while I could say that you shouldn’t be able to make any decisions about reproductive organs unless you have the same type of reproductive organs, I fear that Republican women aren’t any better about knowing when to back the h-e-double-toothpicks off.
While Texas and North Carolina have been hogging the headlines lately, abortion legislation is continuing to be argued across the entire country. I’ve tried understanding why Republicans feel the need to come after our collective uteri and ovaries with guns ablazin’ and the only thing I can figure out is that, 1. The reason that any man is intimidated by a woman so much that he wants to legislate the bits that make her a woman must have pretty small bits of his own, and 2. The women who bow down and acquiesce to the aforementioned small-membered men are doing so because they’re following the Bible and being good, submissive women, also known as doormats.
There are so many other things that legislators could be fighting over. Jobs would be a good place to start followed immediately by raising the federal minimum wage. What about the fact that our military budget is astronomical and our education budget is dismal? We could cut back on a tank or two and instead spend that money on school books and teachers’ salaries. If none of those tickle legislators’ fancies, there’s always the environment, gay rights, immigration, healthcare, the banking industry, gun laws, preserving our national parks and historical sites, legalizing cannabis and whether or not John Boehner’s triple martini lunches at the tanning parlor should really be tax deductible.
I know that Republicans think that abortion is the most important issue facing our country, but that’s because they are pro-life and all life is super duper sacred to them. Unless that life is one taken by capital punishment, or the lives of the children our country takes when it decides to “help out” another country with democracy. The pro-life thing also unfortunately doesn’t cover children who are adversely affected by any of the items listed in the previous paragraph.
Here’s the thing, Republicans. You trying to tell us what we can or can’t do with our own bodies is pissing us off. While the submissive women you’re used to hanging out with may still be docile even when perturbed at you, those of us who think women should be able to decide what we can do with our own bodies aren’t like that. We are mad and you should be prepared to hear us roar.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.