By Rachel Birdsell
I recently read an article that touched on a very important subject, and one that needs to be addressed. The author of the article used roughly 2,000 words to venomously spit out how much he detests, and wants to eradicate email sign-offs. What I concluded from his ranting is that he gets ticked over silly things, and he must get paid by the word. I’m sure there are other people who agree that email sign-offs are passé and should slip the way of bustles and buggies. After all, they’re a carryover from writing letters, and using an actual piece of paper and a pen to convey a message is just so Victorian.
I think we’re losing enough politeness in society and we should hang on to it when we can. I like sign-offs.
They’re polite. They’re nice, and they wear clean underwear. They don’t run with scissors or make faces that will freeze that way. Sign-offs say please and thank you and excuse me. They don’t cut in line or talk on their cellphones in the library. I understand that change is inevitable and that one day sign-offs may be a thing of the past. I don’t want that to happen, so I’ve come up with a way that both sides of the argument can be happy. We can use sign-offs, but be complete a-holes about it. That way the sign-off diehards like me and other sane, polite people can still have our sign-offs, and the people who want to do away with this simple act of politeness can have theirs. I’ve come up with some examples of addendums to regularly used sign-offs that are rude-approved.
Best of luck not getting an STD while you’re banging anything that moves
Have a nice day, preferably as far away from me as you can get
Regards so warm they engulf you in flames
Continued success on being the world’s most evil boss
Thank you for finally taking a hint and using a breath mint
Take care you don’t trip over your huge ego
Cheers on making me wish I could drink 24/7
Best wishes on getting your head removed from your ass
Truly hope you realize no one believes half the things you say
On second thought, my solution seemed like a better idea when it was still just in my head. If we started using these sign-offs, people would be pissed; then there would be fighting in the streets, pillaging, plundering and Michael Bolton songs played at 94 decibels.
To stay safe, let’s all agree that using a sign-off isn’t just the polite thing to do; it may be what saves us from worldwide carnage.
Sincerely (and I really mean it this time),
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org or facebook.com/RachelABirdsell