“Because in Cathrynn’s head there’s no better way to punish a rapist than to make his victim carry his baby to full term. That’ll teach him, won’t it?”
By Rachel Birdsell
Although it’s difficult, I can vaguely remember a time when the Republican Party wasn’t quite as cuckoo as they are now. Their slide into the murky pool of all things outrageous started with Ronald Reagan. Since the Tea Party has come into being, it’s like someone has coated the slide with lard.
Nothing good has happened from the Tea Party infiltration of the GOP. Our parties have become remarkably polarized and wild-eyed crazies have been ferreted out of the dank corners of their parents’ basements. In the pre-Tea Party days, they were perfectly happy staying in the basement eating Moon Pies and playing Duck Hunt on their Atari’s. They only left the house for gun shows and to participate in their yearly Civil War re-enactment where the South always trounced the North in a 64-3 upset. Now they’re in Congress.
I hoped that when bills introduced to repeal Obamacare couldn’t get co-sponsors that perhaps 2013 was going to be the beginning of the age of reason for the GOP. The lull in their insanity lasted about three minutes before GOP politicians started acting like Bellevue escapees again.
Politicians like Cathrynn Brown, State Representative from New Mexico, who introduced a bill to make it a criminal act for rape victims to get an abortion in case they were doing so to hide evidence of the rape.
Her logic, and by logic, I mean, insane reasoning, is that if a rape victim got an abortion, she would be tampering with evidence. Cathrynn later released a statement explaining that she just meant that the goal of the bill was to punish rapists who tried coercing their victim into getting an abortion to destroy evidence of the rape. Because in Cathrynn’s head there’s no better way to punish a rapist than to make his victim carry his baby to full term. That’ll teach him, won’t it? I guess Cathrynn didn’t get the “Whatever You Do, For the Love of All Things Holy, Don’t Talk about Rape” memo that the GOP has been sending around.
But Brown isn’t the only one helping the GOP die a slow, painful death. Mitch McConnell’s office sent out a frantic email that was reminiscent of the children’s story Chicken Little, but with smaller words. The email started with this dire warning, “You and I are literally surrounded. The gun-grabbers in the Senate are about to launch an all-out-assault on the Second Amendment. On your rights. On your freedom.” It went on to inform its recipients that “They’re coming for your guns.” There’s nothing more comforting to know than that McConnell is sending paranoia-inducing emails to people who are already paranoid and are just itching for someone to try and take their gun, so they can shoot them.
Of course, McConnell doesn’t have to worry about the bullets flying. He can just tuck himself inside his turtle shell and remain injury free. In case you didn’t know, his turtle shell has a 3-inch bulletproof polyurethane coating that he makes John Boehner polish in exchange for “tanning booth” points.
Speaking of Agent Orange, I’m giving him the award for the funniest thing said so far this year by a Republican. After hearing President Obama’s Inaugural address, he whined that the president is out to destroy the Republican Party. He doesn’t need to, Too-Baked Boehner. You all are doing just fine on your own.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can follow her at www.facebook.com/RachelABirdsell or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.