Commentary

That’ll Teach You

Posted by tbaker |

By Rachel Birdsell

Last week, I wrote about what I’d learned in 2012. I’m afraid that you might not have been able to relate to it, though. This week, to make up for it, I’m going to share events that happened in 2012 that we all should be able to learn from.

A Portland couple gave us a lesson in the dos and don’ts of bondage last Valentine’s day. While most couples celebrated Valentine’s Day with a romantic dinner, Nikolas Harbar and Stephanie Pelzner decided they’d rather get their freak on. After police responded to reports of a woman bound in duct tape and naked in a car, they discovered that the woman hadn’t been abducted but was engaging in some role play fun with her boyfriend. The couple was arrested and sentenced to 16 hours of community service. Remember kids, if you feel the need to “abduct” your significant other, do it in the privacy of your own house.

Steven Mullhall of South Florida taught us that if you steal a judge’s nameplate from a courtroom door, you shouldn’t let anyone take a picture of you with it and then post it on Facebook. I’m sure most of you already at least suspected it wouldn’t be a very smart thing to do, but just in case, Steven gave us definitive proof.

Terry Davis gave us a live demonstration of the definition of irony when he filched a book titled “Resolving Ethical Issues” from a Barnes and Noble and then tried selling it to a bookstore across the street.

Houaka Yang taught us that sometimes the camera adds more than 15 pounds; sometimes it adds jail time. This is especially true if the camera is one you stole and then used to make a video introducing yourself and bragging that “the cops won’t figure it out.”

We can all learn a lesson about greed from Arthur Brundage of East Syracuse. While robbing a bank, Arthur demanded $20,000 but only received a portion of it. After leaving the bank, he returned to demand the rest of the money. Police found him at the bank’s locked door trying to get back in and subsequently arrested him.

As if eating something with the texture of a rubber band wasn’t bad enough, a woman in Seoul, Korea, showed us another reason we shouldn’t eat squid. While chewing on the cephalopod, it injected its sperm bag into her tongue. Doctors later found that her one night stand left “twelve small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms” in the mucous membranes of her tongue and cheek.

While a large swath of the country was suffering from the drought last summer, six year old Isaak Lasson got some relief after suffering from sinus infections for three years. The Salt Lake City tyke finally had a doctor discover that his problems stemmed from having a rubber tire from a Lego set shoved up his nose for three years. If you just have to shove something up your nose, make sure it isn’t smaller than your finger.

Cheers to all the people who sacrificed so we might learn some valuable lessons.

Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a line at rabirdsell@gmail.com

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