By Rachel Birdsell
The War on Christmas has revved back up and this year, it seems to be uglier than ever. I know that some of you may deny there is a war happening. You’ll throw out your silly anecdotes about how some logical people only want to keep nativity scenes off government property, but I’m going to throw your silliness back at you. The War on Christmas is as real as the War on Hula Hoops. I know this, not just because Fox News is slathering on the propaganda, but also because there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t witness the carnage.
There are a few main aggressors in the War on Christmas: atheists, Muslims, Jews and then your occasional renegade curmudgeon who hates life.
The other day, I watched in horror as an inflatable Santa Claus suffered multiple stab wounds by a band of angry atheists. OK, I didn’t see the atheists or the stab wounds, but I did see the deflated Santa. I suppose the Santa could have self-deflated, but that seems a bit far-fetched. I am convinced it was the dirty atheists.
But it’s not just the multitude of inflatables that are being assaulted at every turn. Millions of Christmas lights around our fair country are being systematically vandalized. Diabolical bastards are taking one bulb out of a string of lights and replacing it with one that doesn’t work or one that makes the entire strand flash. By the time the homeowner or businessowners find the offending bulb, Christmas is over.
Thousands of Baby Jesuses (Jesi?) become POWs every year in this most unholy war. While it’s widely reported that these lordnappings are just harmless pranks committed by bored teens, the truth is eight out of 10 times the perpetrator is a Jewish doctor.
Carolers need to beware this season. It’s a well-documented, completely fabricated fact the anti-Christmas warmongers hate carolers coming to their house and will pour boiling oil on them from second-story windows. If the warlords have no second story, they’ll sic the family dog, cat, ferret or cockatiel on the unsuspecting carolers. If the homeowner has neither second story nor pet, they’ve been known to resort to beating the carolers with giant, wooden, Peanuts gang lawn ornaments they stole from their neighbors.
If you have a yard filled with holiday cheer in the way of hundreds of lights, inflatable snowmen or the nativity scene depicted by plastic farmyard animals, you should take precautions to protect your decorations from being caught in the crossfire. Some people are having great success with dressing their decorations in camouflage.
More importantly, keep yourself safe in this most heinous of imaginary wars. After the holidays, be thankful that in a few weeks, we’ll be enjoying another cease-fire until around July when the stores start hauling out their Christmas goods again.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.