By Rachel Birdsell
I have never in my life seen the amount of butt-hurt over an election as I’ve seen with this one. Stomping their feet wasn’t enough for some on the losing team. Now they’ve thrown themselves on the floor and are kicking and with ear-shattering screams are shrieking they’ll just take their toys and secede from the United States. Not surprisingly, the states that have the majority of dolts requesting secession are in the South. Not to poke an already angry sore, Southern people, but the last time you didn’t want to be part of the Union it ended rather poorly for you.
But, I’m more than willing to accommodate their demands. I say we let Texas, Oklahoma and possibly Kansas, if the space is needed, secede from the Union. Everyone in those states will be given a chance to leave before the new inhabitants arrive. We can televise the march of Tea Party buffoons trudging their way across the country to arrive in their new country, Teabagistan. To show I don’t begrudge them not wanting to be Americans anymore, I’ve come up with a few things to help them set up their new country.
Official Name: Theocracy of Teabagistan, Land of True, God-fearing, White, Christian Patriots
Flag: (see image)
Government: Tea Party Patriot Republicans, President: Chuck Norris, Vice President: Sarah Palin, Secretary of Killin’: Ted Nugent, Secretary of BS Dispersal: Rush Limbaugh, National Chaplain: Pat Robertson, Secretary of Barmy Babbling: Michele Bachmann, Chief Angry Person: Ann Coulter
People: White and straight only
Official Language: ’Merican, though the name will probably be changed since ’Merica is now a godless, communist country
Currency: Gold, silver and unopened cans of Skoal or Copenhagen
Military: Citizen-Militia. It will be required that every citizen of Teabagistan carry a gun and extra ammunition on their person at all times. Guns will be registered to newborns at birth.
National Religion: Christianity. Anyone who isn’t a Christian will either be catapulted over the 20-foot concrete border wall or will be shot by some guy named Skeeter, Chainsaw, Biggun or other equally bad-ass name.
National Sports: NASCAR, wrestling, football and spitting
National Bird: Yellow-bellied sapsucker
National Health Care: None and never will be. If you can’t afford insurance, you can either go to the emergency room or die.
Laws: The Ten Commandments
National Anthem: Any song by Hank Williams, Jr.
So, there you go Tea Partiers. I think it’s a good start to ensuring your new homeland is all you’ve dreamed of and more. Unfortunately, you probably really aren’t going to convince any states to secede, and that makes us all sad. As a contingency plan, you might want to check out Somalia. I hear it’s lovely this time of year.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.