By Rachel Birdsell
Ladies, do you ever feel discriminated against by having to use so many things that are obviously made for men? Well, I’m here to ease your frustration a little bit. I’ve researched some fabulous products that are made just for us, and I don’t mean the products that are in any special section of the store.
First up is the magical and long overdue Bic Cristal For Her pen. I am so thankful that the marketing geniuses at Bic finally realized that women needed a pen with a smaller barrel. For years I’ve been using pens with big, manly pen parts. Sure, they fit perfectly in a man’s meaty paws, but were way too big for me. I was constantly struggling with them and occasionally, because my hands are so small and delicate, I’d have to hold the darn things with two hands. Not only is it difficult to sign your name to a credit card receipt like that, it’s downright embarrassing. While I was disappointed to discover that no part of the pen vibrated, I was thrilled to find out that I can use the pen as a teensy, tiny rolling pin. Thanks, Bic!
If you’d rather wield tools than pens, there are now all kinds of girl tools. I know they’re girl tools because they’re pink and some even have flowers on them. It’s just not fair that we’ve had to struggle with using non-pink, cumbersome tools for men. I’ve always had to either ask a man to hammer a nail in the wall for me or have a friend come over to help me hold up the hammer because it was so heavy. Now that there are pink tools made just for women, I can hammer all day long. I’ve hung so many pictures that you can’t even see the walls anymore. The fact that my tools now match my pink pumps is just icing on the cupcake. Remember to practice safety when using any tools, ladies, by wearing your pink safety glasses with the rhinestone accents.
What with constantly having to reapply our lipstick while using our pink tools, a girl can work up a thirst. Now we can daintily chug a beer that is just for us. Chick Beer is exactly that — beer for chicks. No more drinking that man beer that always tasted slightly of sweat and testosterone. With only 97 calories, I think Chick Beer might just be my new liquid diet! And guess what color the packaging for Chick Beer is? That’s right — it’s pink, because pink is every woman’s favorite color.
Finally when you slide in between your pink sheets that were woven with unicorn hair and dyed with the tears of fairies, you don’t have to worry about being kept awake by your breasts touching anymore. When I first heard of the Kush Support Breast Separator, I scoffed and possibly even rolled my eyes. I’d never even thought about my breasts touching when I slept. But the other night when I went to bed, I noticed that they really do touch. I was so aware of them touching and so worried about potential chafing that I couldn’t sleep until I shoved a rolled up tube sock between them. I felt kind of silly with a sock stuck between the girls, so I’ll be ordering my Kush today.
Let’s all raise our glittery, pink glasses of Chick Beer in a toast to Susan B. Anthony, Julia Ward Howe, Gloria Steinem and the countless other suffragists and feminists who made this day possible. Yes, voting and equality are important for women, but they pale in comparison to having such fine (pink) products made just for us.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.