By Rachel Birdsell
I just finished watching a Web ad put out by arewesafer.com. In it, a not so accomplished actress who we’ll call Betty, talks about how we Americans are probably still scared of a possible terrorist attack whenever we go to a concert or ballgame. What Betty lacks in acting ability, she more than makes up for with her lying ability. Among her many falsehoods, she also tries to tell us that President Obama isn’t doing anything about the safety of Americans. In between her fibs, footage of 9/11 is played, and the grand finale is a blazing sequence of explosions, fire and ruin.
Oh, you silly right-wing fear-mongers! If you really want to sway the Democratic vote, you’re going to have to do better. Democrats are smart enough to see through your lies, and since they vote on facts and the issues, attempting to scare them with terrorists isn’t going to cut it. You’re going to have to ratchet up the fear. Well, it’s your lucky day, fear-mongers, because I have some ideas on how you can keep Democrats so scared they’ll start watching French horror films for some relief. Keep in mind that none of my ideas are guaranteed to turn Democrats into Republicans. That would require something drastic like losing all the oxygen to their brains, but you might be able to scare them into staying home on Election Day.
One way to thin the herd in a hurry is to show footage of President Obama eating a baby. Of course, you may have a bit of difficulty getting him to actually eat a baby, and you’ll probably catch a lot of crap from those crazies over at MANN (Mothers Against Noshing on Newborns). The baby-eating idea seems a lot worse on paper than it did in my head. So, let’s scratch the baby eating and move on to Plan B.
Plan B is simple. Just have a clown in the ad wearing a pro-Democrat shirt. It will be a subliminal message to Democrats and soon they’ll start equating being scared with being a Democrat. You have to admit that having a balding, 45-year-old guy tell you that Mr. Cuddles wants to be your special friend is pretty darn tootin’ scary.
I’ve heard there are some deranged people in the world who aren’t scared of clowns. For them, you’ll have to use something really dark — Dick Cheney. Dick can let voters know that if they’re not going to vote for a Republican, their cable service will be changed to only air his new station, Dick TV: All Dick, All the Time. And if you try to turn off Dick TV, Dick will come to your house and shoot you in the face. His aim is impeccable.
Finally, if none of the above does the trick, you’ll have to resort to the truly diabolical. Threaten to have Chris Christie and Rush Limbaugh cloned into twins that are conjoined at the hip. Also let people know that if they try to vote for a Democrat, they’ll be assigned their own personal Chris Rush clone.
If that doesn’t terrify Democrats into staying home on Election Day, we’ll have to conclude that obviously Mitt Romney becoming president is even scarier than a 700-pound combination of Chris Christie and Rush Limbaugh, and that is a lot of scary.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a line at firstname.lastname@example.org