Earlier this year it was One Million Moms boycotting JC Penney for hiring Ellen DeGeneres as a spokesperson. Last month an Oreo cookie had people all lathered up because, on National Pride Day, Nabisco (Kraft) posted an Oreo cookie on their Facebook page that had rainbow filling. Oh, the depravity!
More recently was a call to boycott Google for their “Legalize Love” campaign that promises to fight inequality for the LGBT community. Ironically, the people who were griping about Google were all using a computer operating system that was most likely made by Microsoft or Apple which both support gay rights. So if you’re going to boycott Google, you’ll have to boycott your computer, too. While you’re at it, scrap that iPod, iPad and iPhone. And no using Word, Excel or PowerPoint.
Even though we have the computer problem taken care of, there are still an abundance of companies that support gay rights. Instead of waiting for another breakout of boycott fever, I thought I’d help those of you who are anti-equality by filling you in on some of the companies that are pro-LGBT. That way you’ll be ahead of the game when it comes to being a complete boycotting bigot.
We’ll start with your clothes. Sorry, but you’re going to have to toss your Levis and Nikes, and stop buying clothes from Target, Macy’s, Gap, Abercrombie & Fitch, Sears and American Apparel. Sadly, because there are a lot of gay men in the fashion industry, you should probably chuck all your clothes — just to be on the safe side.
If you need a new car, you can’t buy one manufactured by Volkswagen, Toyota, Chrysler, Subaru, Ford, General Motors or Saturn. You’ll also have to pass up a BP, Shell or Chevron station when you need to refuel. It’s probably just easier to be carless, because it will be difficult for you to find insurance since Allstate, Nationwide, Progressive, Aetna, Esurance, Metlife and State Farm all think that gay rights = human rights.
Travel and vacations will be hard to plan because of the numerous airlines and hotels that are pro-gay. And, if you’re going to use a credit card to make those reservations, good luck because American Express, MasterCard and Visa all think that gay is OK.
So, no computer, no car and no travel, but you can still stay home and watch television and get your snack on, right? Well, you can as long as you don’t watch anything with the TimeWarner stamp on it, or nosh on anything made by Pillsbury, Coca-Cola, Kraft, Ben & Jerry’s, Campbell’s Soup, Pepsi or Betty Crocker. You even have to watch what you feed your baby because Gerber will make your precious angel gayer than a picnic basket full of rainbows.
Just don’t plan on sitting in a clean house because SC Johnson, Clorox, Dow Chemical and Proctor and Gamble are all gay lovers, too.
In case you’ve been using any of these products or companies and you’re scared you might have caught the gay, you won’t be able to get any antigayotics at Rite Aid or Walgreens. Instead, you’ll probably want to use a local pharmacy and ask if anyone that works there is one of those homosexual types. Then you’ll have to make sure that your antigayotic isn’t made by GlaxoSmithKline, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Pfizer or Eli Lilly.
Who knew being narrow-minded would take such work?
It looks like all that’s left for you is sit in your dirty house, naked, staring at the wall, starving. But at least you’ll have that warm feeling that comes with the smugness of knowing that those evil companies aren’t getting any of your cash. And doesn’t that make all your boycotting worth it?
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. She would love to hear from you at firstname.lastname@example.org.