There probably aren’t many of you who’ve heard of Representative Krayton Kerns. It’s completely understandable if you haven’t, because he’s not an Arkansas representative. He’s a Tea Party Republican in Montana. However, it’s time you became acquainted with Krayton because he has urgent information about a nefarious government plot that will directly affect us all.
Through the use of charts, graphs and a strong hint of lunacy, Krayton has determined that our government has formulated a four-step process to make us all completely dependent on them — just like Karl Marx wanted. And, hang on to your knickers, readers, because the process has already started. Here’s how the government plans to gain complete control over us in just four somewhat perplexing steps.
Step One: Oh, Deer
Step one was the release of “Bambi.” Yes, the beloved, 1942 movie that was created by Walt Disney, who we all know was a rabid Marxist. OK, Disney was really a staunch Republican and Karl Marx actually wanted less government control, but the truth doesn’t matter when it comes to the government taking over our lives.
According to Krayton, Disney came out with “Bambi” so we would realize how darn adorable woodland creatures could be. This allowed us to raise the stature of animals and led to schools teaching about the environment. This, in turn, led us to stop worshipping God. I think it’s obvious that Krayton has spent a lot of time thinking about this, and that Bambi is a godless heathen.
Step Two: Keep them Bison Movin’
Almost 70 years passed before we saw step two of Operation Bambi. In March of this year, on a dark, moonless night, the government covertly relocated 60 bison from Yellowstone National Park to Fort Peck Native American Reservation. According to the Game & Fish Commission, the bison were moved to reintroduce bison into Montana. Nice try, game and fish people, but Krayton can see right through your lies.
Step Three: Orgies, the Middle East and Magic
Now that the move has been successful and the bison are feeling at home in their new digs, we can expect step three to occur at any time, which starts with the bison experiencing a population boom. Well, technically, it’ll start with the bison having lots and lots of sex and then experiencing a population boom. Krayton doesn’t explain why the boom will occur; maybe reservation air makes bison randy, or maybe the government is going to spray all the male bison with Axe® body spray. In any case, while all of the bison are reproducing faster than bison on a reservation, the instability in the Middle East will cause the world’s economy to come to a screeching halt. This will cause gasoline to hit $25 per gallon. I don’t know where Krayton came up with this exact number, but I’m sure it was based on very complex mathematics which consisted of him magically pulling a number out of his ass. If nothing else, Krayton is a stickler for accuracy.
Step Four: Follow the
Krayton has gazed even farther into the future and found that some future president will declare that the bison is protected, and because of that will issue a moratorium on all oil exploration in Montana. Unfortunately, Krayton has been too busy licking bars of lead to explain exactly how any of this will cause our complete dependence on the government.
I’m sure this all sounds a bit whack-a-doo, and you’re probably having a chuckle or two at Krayton’s expense. But I’ll bet you won’t be laughing when one day you find yourself inexplicably dependent on the government. Not to mention being unable able to turn around without bumping into a pair of mating bison.
Thanks, Bambi. Thanks a lot.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. She’d love for you to drop her a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.