It’s a Riddle Wrapped up in a Mystery —
There are a lot of things in this world that I don’t like, but I can understand why other people find them enjoyable. For instance, I don’t like liver because I think it tastes like beef butthole, but I understand that some people love it. This is obviously because they have a taste bud disorder. I get that. But there are some things that leave me completely baffled. I’ve tried to figure them out, but I haven’t been able to come up with an explanation.
Here is my short list of things I just don’t understand:
I don’t understand how anyone can like the ever-bloated, arrogant Rush Limbaugh. Recently, he’s been under fire for his disgusting remarks he made about Georgetown University law student, Sandra Fluke. Last month, Sandra was prohibited from speaking at the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee’s hearing on women’s contraception. Limbaugh then called her a slut because she thinks women should have birth control pills provided, but that wasn’t vile enough for Limbaugh. The next day he had this to say, “Miss Fluke, and the rest of you feminazis, if we are going to pay for you to have sex, we want something for it. And I’ll tell you what it is. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.” I think that Limbaugh should kiss my hiney, and that it should be posted online so everyone can see it.
I don’t understand why alcohol and cigarettes, which kill people on a daily basis, are legal, yet marijuana, which doesn’t kill people on a daily basis, is illegal.
I don’t understand how people can think that gay marriage would destroy straight marriage. I think straight people are destroying marriage just fine on their own.
I don’t understand why some breast-feeding mothers act so superior about their breast feeding, and look down on women who can’t or don’t. Whoopty doo! You can produce milk from your mammary glands just like every other mammal. Go, Mom!
I don’t understand those gargantuan nut sacs you see dangling from the back bumpers of trucks. Do they have a purpose? I’m pretty sure they don’t keep the truck in balance or make it more aerodynamic, so why do men want them on their trucks? The only reason I can come up with for a man wanting a pair of giant balls on his truck is because he’s trying to compensate for being hung like a hamster. Yeehaw, mothertrucker!
I don’t understand why professional athletes get paid millions of dollars for playing a game. How can we, as a society, place so much importance on someone dribbling a basketball down a court, but so little importance on the people who teach our children?
I don’t understand why anyone thinks the South will rise again. The Civil War ended in 1865. The South lost. It happened. It’s over. The only things rising now in the South are biscuits and Bibles. Let it go.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever understand these things, but I’m always eager to learn. If you can help shed some light on any of the above, I would appreciate it more than Rush Limbaugh appreciates a 3-pound cupcake with Viagra and Oxycontin sprinkles.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer, artist and semi-professional cat wrangler. Feel free to drop her a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.