By Rachel Birdsell
TFW Contributing Writer
Brock College in Ontario recently came out with a study that showed that people who scored low on childhood IQ tests were more likely to develop prejudiced beliefs and socially conservative political views as adults. The study, published in Psychological Science, has racists and social conservatives totally pissed off, and has liberals saying, “I told you so.” I’m surprised the Internet hasn’t exploded yet from all the hullabaloo.
I think we can agree that racists are idiots. OK, maybe some of them are fearful of other races and the fear is brought on by ignorance, but I think most racists are idiots.
However, social conservatives won’t agree with a scientific study because they refuse to accept anything “science.” So, let’s throw IQ tests out the window. Instead, let’s look at some of the beliefs that the majority of social conservatives accept as truth.
1. Jesus is No. 1. I’ll save why I think religious beliefs are ridiculous for another week. It’s obvious that the majority of conservatives are Christian. I think it’s deliciously ironic that as a general rule, liberals act and hold more of the same core beliefs of Jesus Christ than conservatives do. If there was a Jesus Christ living now, he’d be called a Communist, liberal hippie pig by the right.
2. EVILution. Why can’t conservatives just accept the theory of evolution? I still read people writing nonsense about there being no proof for evolution. There’s usually some mention about how it’s just a theory and then they ask a moronic question like why there are still monkeys around if we came from monkeys. Then I wonder if maybe they really did come from monkeys. It’s interesting how the least-evolved among us don’t accept the theory of evolution isn’t it? Do you think they accept the theory of gravity?
3. Climate Schlimate. There are some conservatives who have changed their mind about climate change and have gone from saying all of it is a lie to saying that the climate is changing, but it doesn’t have anything to do with people screwing up the earth. When you inform them that there is 35 percent more CO2 in the atmosphere than there was before the Industrial Revolution, they either claim it’s a lie perpetuated by the evil EPA, or that the increase is perfectly normal. Then they climb into their ginormous SUV and try to run all of the hybrids off the road.
4. Flaming Gays. Conservatives are against gay marriage. They were against repealing DADT, and would probably be a lot happier if those damn gays would just get the hell back in the closet and stay there. I’m still trying to figure out why they’re so concerned about what two consenting adults do sexually. Conservatives throw out arguments like, “If you let them gays marry, the next thing you know people will want to marry their dogs.” That’s not helping you look any smarter, Conservatives!
5. Amen, Brother. Conservatives are forever complaining about prayer being taken out of school. Prayer hasn’t been taken out of school. Students can still pray as much as they want, whenever they want. Just because teachers can’t say a Christian prayer out loud does not mean there is no prayer in schools.
6. Baby Killing. Conservatives are against abortion. I think the solution to this would be for them to not get an abortion. They use silly terminology like pro-abortion or pro-murder rather than correctly identifying a woman as pro-choice. Just because a woman is pro-choice doesn’t mean she’ll ever have an abortion. She merely wants to be able to have the choice to do what she needs to do concerning her own health.
7. Kill the bastards! Oddly enough, those who say they’re pro-life are for the death penalty, and they don’t think it’s very funny when you point out that they’re actually pro-fetus, not pro-life. Don’t try pointing out that states and countries without capital punishment have lower murder rates, either. They won’t listen.
Of course, there’s no need to take my opinion on any of this, especially if you enjoy being wrong. If you are on the conservative side of any of these arguments, I’d love to hear why you think the way you do, though. Quoting the Bible as a reason is not allowed; unless I can use the argument that the reason I think gay marriage should be allowed is because Thor came to me in a dream and said in his deep Thor voice “Gay is OK.”
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer, artist and semi-professional cat wrangler. Feel free to drop her a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.