By Rachel Birdsell
TFW Contributing Writer
Everywhere you look there have been year-end lists — lists that describe the best and worst of just about everything that occurred in 2011. I’ve decided, instead of having a list looking back at 2011, we need a list looking forward to 2012. Like maybe a list of things that I wish would happen to make 2012 a fantastic year. While you may not agree with all of my ideas, I’m sure you’ll find at least one or two you dig. I’m also sure you’ll want to do whatever you can to make those things happen. Without further ado, I give you Fantasy 2012.
- An intelligent, ballsy presidential hopeful will step up and run for office. An incarnation of Bill Clinton is preferable, but one who will keep his or her cigars where they belong or at least will choose a paramour who is adept at stain removal.
- Universal health care in the U.S. will be made a reality. Germany has had some type of national health care since 1883. I think we can pull this one off.
- For every $100 a politician raises in campaign funds, they will have to perform an hour of volunteer work. It would be nice to see presidential hopefuls picking up trash on the side of the road.
- All politicians must pass a mental health exam before running for office. If they hear voices telling them that they should run for office, they will be immediately disqualified. This includes voices from any gods.
- Food will no longer be allowed to be described as artisan, rustic or Tuscan.
- Fake butter, instant potatoes and hominy will be banned.
- Anyone who consistently fails to use they’re/their/there or you’re/your correctly online will receive electric shocks through their computer. These shocks will increase in intensity until either the correct usage is learned or the user is rendered unable to manage a keyboard.
- We will stop treating our Earth like a $2 whore. Recycling centers will be mandatory for all city waste management facilities. Gas guzzling cars will be passe. Water will be conserved.
- It will be a crime to wear pajama bottoms in public. If you can’t be properly dressed when you leave the house, don’t leave the house. It doesn’t take much more effort to pull on a pair of jeans than it does to don those flannel Spongebob PJ pants.
- If you are between the ages of 25 and 65, you will not be allowed to wear any Hello Kitty clothing. After 65, you’re free to wear whatever you want.
Smart Is As Smart Does
- Schools will spend more money on academics than on sports. High school kids who perform well academically will be actively drafted by colleges.
- Instead of asking the government to put silly warnings on products, people should have to rely on their common sense to keep them out of harm’s way. If they lack the sense to not use a blow dryer in the shower, well, natural selection isn’t a bad thing.
- Marijuana will be legalized at a federal level. We really need to quit being so moronic about the issue. How many people are killed by drunken drivers compared to the number killed by drivers who are stoned? The worst thing that will happen by legalizing marijuana is that stock in Doritos will skyrocket.
Now let’s go make 2012 the best year ever!
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer, artist and semiprofessional cat wrangler. Feel free to drop her a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.