How does Fayetteville, Arkansas stack up against arch nemesis, Fayetteville, NC?
Today is Marquis de Lafayette’s birthday. Being a Frenchman, Fayetteville’s namesake, American Revolution hero Marquis de Lafayette was known for “getting around,” and as such he has speckled America with numerous bastard cities that now carry his surname. Fayetteville, AL, Fayetteville, GA, Fayetteville, NY, and Fayetteville, TN, which most of the local history books will tell you is the source for Fayetteville AR’s name.
But 250 years after M. de Lafayette’s birth, only two cities have really stood out above the rest (and only four have discovered the wonder of indoor plumbing); our own Fayetteville, Arkansas and Fayetteville, North Carolina.
Go ahead. Do a quick Google search for “Fayetteville,” and these will be the two cities that pop up the most. Unfortunately, this has lead to confusion. Two cities, one name? How? Why? It’s time to stop the lollygagging and straighten this thing out. So, to clear up the confusion and to help decide once and for all which city should forever change its name so that there is only one Fayetteville, we have put the two cities in a Thunderdome-style death match. The two cities will hypothetically enter the match, but only one city will hypothetically emerge and be able to keep the name Fayetteville.
Profile written by staff writer James Johnson, of Fayetteville NC’s Up
& Coming Weekly
Nickname: “Hog Country,” “Track Capital of the World,” “Clinton Used Our Toilet Once Town.”
Population: 67,158 (it ain’t easy to type and laugh at the same time)
Mayor: Dan Coody
Secret Shadow Government Mayor: Bill Clinton (he never agreed to this)
Landmark: The Clinton House (Former President Bill Clinton left his mark here … Mostly on the sheets.)
Greatest Strengths: In the same way Fayetteville NC is considered a military town, Fayetteville, AR is very much a college town, thanks to its being the home of the University of Arkansas, so in a battle, they just might be able to smart us to death … Uh huh, we’re shakin’. Fayetteville, AR is also quite proud of the fact that former President Bill Clinton and wife, Senator Hilary Rodham-Clinton once lived there for a brief time in history and the city has since made the Clintons’ former home into a museum. It seems like everywhere Bill goes is eventually converted into a museum. He’s ruined so many brothels that way.
Greatest Weakness: Razorback Football. The city’s most loved pastime is also its downfall. You see, the city’s entire sense of self worth comes from the fact that it has a decent football team. You take that away from them and their confidence will be crushed, their economy will collapse and their Clinton House will seem more like a desperate plea for attention.
Fun Fact: As Fayetteville, AR is a college town, the chant “chug, chug, chug,”
has become their official city anthem. Did we mention their football games are awesome?
Why Fayetteville NC will win: Fayetteville NC has something that Fayetteville AR will never have … Patriotic spirit, a powerful work ethic and access to an alarming amount of guns, missiles and tanks. Oh, and the Market House has a built in laser canon.
Fayetteville, NC profile written by Fayetteville (AR) Free Weekly editor Susan Porter
First off, Fayetteville, NC’s weekly rag doesn’t even think enough of their nasty burg to use the town’s name, so the battle should already be over. But, to put a little more grease in the skillet, here are some other reasons why there’s no way that the infamous Frenchman would want his name tied to a town like Fayetteville, NC.
Nickname: “All-American City,” “City of Dogwoods,” “Fayettenam,”
“Torture Town,” “Tar Heel Town.” Tar Heel Town is the state nickname, but what the hell is a Tar Heel anyway? It doesn’t sound good.
Population: 31. Actually, it’s about 174,000 according to the U.S. Census, but we’re guessing that there are only about 30 permanent civilian residents, and in keeping the military’s motto, we’re counting the entire U.S. Military as one person.
Mayor: Anthony G. Chavonne. Mayor Chavonne wants to make the town a better place to live, work and play. What is he thinking? This is the town where putt-putt golf was invented. How much more fun could be had?
Secret Shadow Government Mayor: Dick Cheney, er scratch that- Scooter Libby.
Landmark: Airborne and Special Operations Museum where educational programs are available. Anyone wanna learn some nifty tricks that will make people tell their deepest, darkest secrets?
Greatest Strengths: An Amtrak station and a downtown movie theater that shows art films. Eight military surplus stores. On the strong-arm end of things, folks in FNC smugly think they could wipe us out with all the gun-power at Ft. Bragg and Pope Airbase while using the nasty business methods perfected by their super secret Delta Force. What they don’t know is that our neighbor headquartered a few miles north in Bentonville—Wal-Mart—has more live ammo than the entire U.S. military. On the other hand, Bentonville would relish the opportunity to usurp us and pin the Bentonville name on all of Northwest Arkansas. So with all that covert operation crap going on in North Carolina, we may have cause for concern if Bentonville gets wind of this and the two team up.
Greatest Weakness: Jason Bourne rejects walking around town after their minds have been erased—or not.
Fun Fact: Okay.. here’s one of the thrills that we gleaned from an internet site promoting FNC: “….seeing soldiers and airmen in their uniforms every day at the grocery store.” Woo hoo, now how exciting is that? Promoters also like to brag about their 3.7 mile Cape Fear River Trail. No doubt they would get lost traversing our 17 miles of trails.
Why Fayetteville AR will win: Fayetteville AR folks love their town and are here because they want to be here … they’re not just hanging around waiting to be deployed. We’ve got an amazing quality of life and have no intentions of loosing it, not even to not even to a bunch of special ops jocks—although they might make good Razorback football material.
WINNER: Neither. As both cities are named for a filthy French man, the only honorable thing to do would be for both cities to surrender and then share a cigarette. Ah, faites la guerre d’amour pas.